Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I'm 99.9% totally thrilled, .1% terrified

I've never been induced before. With the other two, I went into labor. Wasn't expecting it, wasn't desperate for it, it just happened. With Jess, it was all so new and exciting and with Sam, it was such a sudden shock that I don't think I fully realized what was happening until after he was born. But with this one - it's been completely different. I'm wandering around the house, trying to think of all the last minute things that I'm forgetting, packing like I'm leaving for an overseas trip and in the back of my mind, terrified of what might go wrong.

I'm a worrier by nature. I like to imagine worst case scenarios and prepare for them, and then be delightfully surprised when they don't happen. Not completely, because I also like to stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And the worst case scenario is pretty bad, when it comes to birth. I think there's a tiny part of every woman that's aware that it wasn't that long ago that dying in childbirth wasn't unheard of. Even though there's no indication that anything might even slightly go wrong with this birth, the baby and I are both staggeringly healthy - there's still a tiny, unreasonably, irrational part of me that's a little freaked out. Just a little.

Of course, I'm also a little freaked out about it hurting. Cause it's gonna hurt. There's no way around that. Pitocin is no joke. And even though I know for sure I'm getting the epidural, there's going to be some serious pain involved.

Plus - I'm going to have another baby. A newborn, with all that it entails, midnight feedings, constant attention, nursing 24/7, plus all the complications that go along with introducing a new family member, how will Sam adjust, how will Jessie adjust, how will Marc adjust? It's a lot to think about...

And every time I've started to panic tonight, I remember that by this time tomorrow, I'm going to be holding my tiny baby in my arms. And then all the worry disappears and I'm just all the way thrilled.

Induction scheduled for tomorrow morning

I went in for my weekly check up yesterday - only to discover that I was (still) only 3 centimeters. Constant contractions, exhausted, frustrated - and with staggeringly high blood pressure. So I got admitted to labor and delivery for evaluation and lab work. My labs were fine and the bp came down a little, enough so that I was able to go home. But I was so miserable... I just want my baby, and it's so frustrating to be having these contractions and not making any progress. Cindy put me on bedrest (which is really not as much fun as it sounds) and told me that she wanted to see me back in the office tomorrow.

I went in earlier, and my bp was still high (152/90) but not scary high, and since I've got no signs of hypertension, no swelling, the labs are fine, and the baby is great, she's not too concerned about it. But she asked what I wanted to do, we had briefly discussed induction yesterday. I took a deep breath and told her I wanted to get her out. She said she thought it was the right decision, that it had been a really rough pregnancy and that it was time. So I'm scheduled for induction tomorrow morning at 6:30.

I'm incredibly nervous, but beyond thrilled as well. I've never been induced, so part of it is scary, plus I know how much labor freaking hurts, so that's scary too. But I'm so ready to hold this baby, so ready to see her and I can't be anything other than absolutely delighted at the prospect of having her in my arms.

So send good delivery thoughts my way tomorrow morning around six thirty :-). I'll post an update with pictures as soon as I can :-)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Strep throat and why, oh why won't this baby just GET OUT???

I made Marc take Jess into the pediatrician's yesterday, and it turns out that she's got strep throat. On the upside, she LOVES amoxicillin, so is great about taking her meds and the fever has gone way down. I'm optimistic that she might be able to go back to school by Wednesday. When she was tiny, Jess had a zillion ear infections - and it seemed as though she was always on amoxicillin. We called it her "bubble gum syrup" and she was so happy to get another rx for it. For the most part, my kids are super healthy, so she hasn't had it in a long time (once her ears got bigger, the infections stopped), but I'm amused at how happy she was to start taking it again.

Still no baby... but I'm learning how hope really does spring eternal. Even though there's a part of me that's starting to doubt that I'll ever go into labor on my own (if it hasn't happened yet, I'm thinking that maybe they'll just need to break my water to get this party started), I still get all excited when the contractions pick up. Last night, I was getting them every couple of minutes, they weren't painful exactly, but they were definitely uncomfortable and I got a little excited, planned out the night, took a nice shower so I'd be all clean, figured I'd put Sam to bed first, try and get Jess settled, and they still were constant - not getting any worse, but not going away either. So then I decided that I'd try and rest a little, get a little sleep in because I'd be up all night having my baby... lo and behold, nothing. I just slept. Woke up to go to the bathroom, drugged Jess in the middle of the night when she was burning up with fever. I'm still contracting this morning, and I swear to God, I still think it could happen. Like at any minute, I could stand up and my water could break. You'd think I'd learn, you'd think I'd resign myself to nothing ever happening - but nope - I remain constantly ready, constantly at alert. It's wearing me out - just the emotional toll of being ever ready to launch into hard labor. She'll come eventually, right?

Monday, April 26, 2010


Sam just went tearing into the living room, all excited because dinner was ready. And of course, wiped out, tripped over something and crashed. He came sobbing into the dining room where I was standing and I picked him up and rubbed his foot. I'm huge, so picking him up is a big of a project but I managed it somehow and he was hiccuping thru the tears and I said "Oh Sammy, I'm so sorry, you hurt your foot, you poor boy..." and he nodded his head and said sadly "And that was my FAVORITE foot!"

Day 26 of fully expecting to have the baby and... nothing

I started posting about being dilated and contractions on the last day of March. This is hands down, the longest labor EVER. I had some good contractions last night, not enough to make me double over in pain but enough to make me pause and think "maybe..." but then... nothing. They go away.

Jess is sick as a dog, came home from the party crying and feverish. I took her temp (101.6) and cancelled my plans to stay home with her. She was weepy and sick all day, napped for a while, went to bed early, and was up at three o'clock, burning up and so sick. I gave her more motrin and snuggled her into bed, but she was up for at least an hour or so. She's still sound asleep and it's nine o'clock. I'm hoping she sleeps really late and is much better today. Sam and Jordyn are bopping around the living room, they're so cute together. I think it's fabulous that Sam's got his best friend here every day to play with.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Perhaps I'm not pregnant at all

Just really kind of pudgy. That's why the baby isn't coming out - I've just had really bad indigestion for the past nine months.

At home for a while today - Jess spent the night at Lilli's birthday slumber party, and was up until past midnight. With that information, I quickly decided to spend the afternoon anywhere else but here, because truly, an exhausted Jess is just no fun at all. So Becky and I are going to go see a movie. Our car is being held hostage by a mechanic, not really being held hostage, because he claims he'll give it back eventually, but it was supposed to be ready yesterday afternoon with a brand new motor and is now there until at least sometime on Monday. This makes me a little insane, because I'm stressing out all the time anyway about how to get to the hospital and childcare arrangements (enough to make me understand why so many women go for the scheduled C-section - it's so much easier to plan for it as opposed to living for a month knowing that at any point, you could have to throw all your plans out and rush to the hospital for three days). But I've been assured over and over again, by pretty much everyone, that we'll be just fine, we have lots of friends and family, and everyone is looking forward to the opportunity to step in and help get us there and watch our kids for the duration.

Watched television last night - Marc was over at the party with both kids, and I got three or four hours of just alone time at home. And it was delightful, I walked up the street and got Chinese take out, and watched a bunch of television that I had recorded and never had time to watch. Then Marc and I had another one of our weekend battles - they aren't bad battles, but it's a source of conflict, simmering all the time, occasionally flaring up. I like to DO things on the weekend, and especially if there's housework that needs to be done, I like to tackle it and get it over and done with, he likes to relax and flow thru the day. Neither of us is wrong, exactly, but neither of us is wholly right either, and we both are pretty crappy at compromising right off the bat. Add in a missing car, a super pregnant wife who's desperate to go into labor and two kids who are delighted to sit and play Wii with him for hours, and it wasn't a great Saturday. We resolved it, as we always do - it takes a while to get thru, because Marc's better at avoiding conflict and I have to sometimes really push in order to get him to talk calmly about it, but in the end, we both agree that we love each other, don't want to fight and really do work hard at understanding the other person's point of view. I'm incredibly grateful for that - I don't think I could handle any other kind of marriage.

I'm really looking forward to having the baby be here. I keep thinking how much better it'd be if she was here with us, instead of me pregnant with her. Not only will it be more fun - I LOVE babies, but I'd be so much calmer, so much more physically capable of everything. I would not do well with a chronic illness, and am so weary of hauling my pregnant body around - I can't wait to be me again. Although I thought to myself this morning, as I got out of the shower - that I do really look good. Sort of earth-mother-ish, all fertile and blossoming. I didn't gain a lot of weight with this one, I think I'm under fifteen pounds, and it's all right in the belly.

My new goal is just to go into labor naturally. Not to have to be induced. I don't want a c-section, I want to bounce back from this baby within a week and be good to go :-). I didn't have to be induced with the other two, they did break my water with the girl child, but I started labor without it. Of course, I, according to that measurement, started labor with this one about three weeks ago. I've been contracting forever, and was two centimeters dilated at the beginning of April.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Emotional rollercoaster

I go back and forth... last night, I went out by myself (is there anything more exciting then the car all to yourself with the radio up loud?) and got a big sundae at Friendly's (for the baby :-)). I decided that it was actually a good thing that she wasn't here yet, because really, I'm probably never going to be pregnant again, and there's something magical and wonderful about it. I should embrace this time, really adopt a theory of total self-indulgence. If I want a sundae, go ahead, get a sundae. If I want to blow off a family function - I've got the best excuse ever. I decided that I'd spend the remainder of the pregnancy doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. I was happy, came home, took a nice hot shower, put on lots of lotion and just enjoyed being all big and watching my belly move.

Then this morning, I woke up and started having contractions again - and got all excited, because maybe, just maybe, she's actually going to come today. The contractions have been hit or miss all day, some of them are strong, some of them are nothing. They aren't progressing into anything, they aren't consistent - and I'm ready to cry, I'm so disappointed.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The poor little boy...

Sam woke up too early this morning, he was awake before six thirty. And so when he fell asleep just before five this afternoon, I just shrugged. I knew he needed the sleep - but Sam's a really crappy napper. He's always been a great sleeper, but ever since he gave up the nap about six or eight months ago, naps make him groggy and confused. And today - the nap made him lose his little mind...

He slept for about two hours and woke up screaming. Screaming. Furious at me, wouldn't let me hold him or comfort him, but cried harder and screamed for me when I tried to get off the chair where he was. He started swinging at me, kicking out at me, which earned him a three minute time out - I'm pretty hard core about not hitting the Mama. But he was just wrecked. Could not stop screaming, wouldn't tell me what was wrong, wouldn't let me hold him, wouldn't let me leave him... and it went on for about a half hour. He's all worn out now... and I still don't know what started or what stopped it. There are hidden depths to Sam that I don't think I'll ever fully understand. Because something was wrong, I don't know if it was a nightmare or if he was hurt or sick - there's no fever, nothing that I can easily discern as the problem, and he refused to talk during or after the crying jag. He actually wet his pants, he was crying so hard, and I can't, for the life of me, tell you what caused it.

But I know that naps are NEVER a good idea for my little boy.

April vacation

I like having my girl home. I do. But it's hard having her home, plus her buddy, plus the two other kids I sit for, plus Sam. And Marc's on a new work out kick, and hasn't been home any night this week, plus the contractions just won't quit. I'm so tired...

Had some serious contractions yesterday and last night. Took some benedryl and they gradually drifted away. No longer believe that the child will ever actually come, I'll just keep taking cold medicine and get bigger and bigger and bigger until I explode.

I have no new news or updates. Other than Jessie's in one of those stages where she's climbing into bed with me every night - which scares me because how am I going to manage with three kids in my bed? My vacuum cleaners are still broken, and I'm a sad, dusty girl as a result.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Grumpy today

No real reason, I think I'm just frustrated with the waiting. And being frustrated doesn't get me anywhere, so you'd think I'd move past it and into sunshiney happiness, but so far, nope - I'm grumpy and embracing it. I'm having a second cup of coffee, which I never do, but I'm operating on the theory that maybe I need a little extra chemical assistance today, and I'm so far along that an extra dose of caffiene won't hurt the baby.

I've always gone into my labors thinking that I want to wait as long as I can to get the epidural - but with this one, if I could get hooked up now, I would. The thought of having no feeling from the waist down sounds delightful to me. I'm all about sciatic pain, lower back pain, contractions pretty constantly, and I'm so wishing that I could be me again. I'm not an overly physical person on a good day, I've never even been close to what you'd consider an athlete - but I'm generally in pretty good health, able to jump up and walk. I miss that. I miss not being able to get up without thinking about it first and weighing whether or not it's worth the effort.

There are parts of being pregnant that I'll miss. I'll miss the belly, strangely enough. I'll miss this closeness with the baby, this sense that we're almost one person, that I'm creating a whole new life inside of me. I'll miss the doctor's appts, hearing the heartbeat, and taking extra good care of my body because it's like taking care of my child. I'll miss Sammy kissing my belly and giving me a hug, and then an extra hug for the baby. I'll miss Jessie feeling the baby kick.

It's gorgeous out today - and if I didn't feel like any sort of activity will start up meaningless contractions that won't put me into labor, then I'd be inclined to head outside for a nice long walk. I'm going to talk to Cindy today, my appt is at 11:30, and see what she thinks. Maybe I'm at the point where the contractions will actually do something. It was at this appt with Sam that my water broke, so I'm hoping history repeats itself.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sibling relationships

(for the record - no baby, the contractions are calm for the moment, and I'm officially doing my best to stay pregnant for the week, as childcare issues would be huge if I go into labor before Saturday afternoon)

I'm really pleased with how close my kids are. At least at the moment. Not that they can't have knock down screaming fights with each other and sometimes I really worry that they hate each other. But mostly - they are pretty close. I wonder a lot about how to foster that relationship - to encourage them to always lean on each other. I don't have a great relationship with my siblings - my sister and I are really close, but that's about it. And I want very much for my children to have a better relationship with each other than I do with my siblings. My husband isn't close with his sister either. No negativity there, just very different lives, geographically more than anything else.

I think part of it must be competition. Keeping it so that they don't feel as though they have to fight the other for time or attention - and that's always a struggle when you've got more than one child. I worry that I'm favoring one over the other - the two of them are so very different, with such different needs and wants that it's hard to know if I'm being fair all the time. And can you really be fair all the time? There's almost exactly three and a half years separating them, and there will be three years and nine months separating Sam and the baby - that's a recipe for different expectations. I try to make sure to spend a lot of one on one time with them as well, taking Jess out of the house to get some time with just her, or really focusing on Sam when we're home together. I think that makes a difference as well.

I just hope and want for my children to be close as adults. To lean on each other, to support and love each other. Not just that they won't be mortal enemies as adults, but that they'll be friends, with each other's best interests at heart. To enjoy spending time together, to really embrace their unique relationship. But how much of it is really under my control? At some point, it's their life - you know?

I think they will be close as adults - they seem to enjoy each other. They're so similiar in some ways, and so very different in others. But they lean on each other, holding hands in the morning, and sitting together. I just want so much for them to always be close. Even if their relationship stays like it is right now - with big dramatic blow outs every now and again, but a core closeness and intimacy that says that this person is important to me and I love having him/her in my life. If they can maintain this level of closeness, then I'll be happy.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Update from the obstetrician

I called to find out if I should stop taking the benedryl and actually let the contractions just continue and maybe turn into something. I was afraid that I was constantly starting to go into labor and then stopping it before it got really going by taking the sedative... and he said it's not real labor if benedryl stops it. When you actually go into labor, your body stops absorbing anything from your intestine - so if it's actually labor, then the benedryl won't put me to sleep or have any impact on the contractions at all. He said that the more babies you have, the more prelabor contractions you get. While I don't think of three babies as excessive, apparently my body does and is going to just continue to contract for the sheer joy of contracting for a while. When she's actually ready to come, benedryl won't do a thing to stop her. So the plan is to just continue taking the benedryl whenever the contractions get strong, and sleep them off - until I can't. Until the contractions actually don't stop - and then it'll be full blown labor and I'll be so shocked. Because at this point, I'm so used to having contractions and having it turn out to be nothing that a part of me is truly convinced that I'm just going to continue doing this forever.

No baby yet again...

I had serious contractions all weekend, everytime I got up to do any sort of activity, I feel them. But I'm taking benedryl at night and that stops them. Of course, at this point, I don't want to stop them, but don't want to go into the hospital and have them send me home again either... so I'm perplexed as to how to proceed. I'm going to call my midwife later on this morning and see what she wants me to do. I don't necessarily want to wear myself out trying to push myself into labor, but on the same hand, I don't want stop labor either. Am very frustrated, especially because I'm a planner and not being able to made hard core plans for child care is really difficult for me. I'm constantly trying to figure out what I'll do if I actually go into labor this afternoon or tonight or tomorrow - and the plans on who'll take what children for how long shift depending on what time it happens.

What I'd really like is to either stop having contractions altogether, or have the contractions actually get really hard or my water to break - I'm living in this odd sort of netherworld, where I'm not not in labor, but not in labor either and it's making me just a little bit crazy.

But moving along... I'm home today, with just my two, and am planning on taking them out on their bikes later on. It's too nice NOT to go outside, but again, I'm leery about going too far because too much activity definitely starts the contractions. Every other day this week, I'm scheduled to babysit, which is great, because it's extra money, but complicated because I have the added stress of feeling like when I do have the baby, I'm going to inconvenience a lot of people.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

cute spring pictures

Jessie and Sam basking in the sun in the Worcester Commons - on my ill fated trip to the library that landed me in the hospital with early labor...

No baby yet...

Although steady contractions all day yesterday and today. I keep hoping that my water will just BREAK and then I'll KNOW. Because I'm afraid to go back into the hospital and get sent back home again. I've felt almost like I'm coming down with the flu, lots of nausea, body aches, etc. The contractions are mostly manifesting in my back (again, I had hoped to avoid back labor this time) but I'm still getting them in front as well.

Mostly I'm just tired and worn out - physically and emotionally. It's been such a long ride, waiting for this baby to come. I'm emotionally all fragile, Jessie walked past me earlier and I burst into tears, just because I remembered when the nurse came in and told me that they were probably going to be doing a c-section because I had stopped dilating with her. I know I wasn't crying because I was scared of surgery - it was that all of a sudden, my baby was coming and I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. I feel that same way now. I didn't feel that with Sam - mostly, I think, because he came early, and so fast I didn't have time to really think about it. But with this one, as with Jessie (Jess was a 12 hour labor, from the start of the first contraction to when she was finally out), I've had a lot of time to ponder what a new baby is going to bring. My whole life is going to change, I'm going to have this whole new person that I'm going to love and need and adore and I'm right on the cusp of it. And it's terrifying. Amazing, wonderful and absolutely terrifying.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Comment, please?

I just changed my e-mail address and want to make sure that the comments go to the new address. If you read the blog, could you comment and tell me? I mean, I LOVE comments anyway, but this way I'd know that I'd get them :-)

No sticker today

(for the record - no baby yet....)

Let me start by saying that I'm not precisely a morning girl. I don't really LIKE waking up and starting the day, I'd almost always rather laze in bed, read for a while, doze off and on. But I'm thirty six, and have reluctantly learned that I don't always get what I want, and so have conditioned myself to get up and get coffee and get coherent. Both my kids, unfortunately, inherited my sleepy tendencies. Marc pops out of bed ready to start the day, but nope, they couldn't have gotten that gene. They got the "have to be dragged out of bed, and don't talk to me for a while" gene.

School has been an almost constant battle for my little girl from the beginning. She flat out hated kindergarten and is doing much better at first grade, but getting her out the door is still a struggle. We've tried a whole bunch of different ways to deal with it, from getting her up earlier, putting her to bed earlier, breakfast in the car, laying her clothes out and packing her bag early, punishing her by taking her dolls away for mornings with major tantrums and rewarding with stickers and special treats when she behaves. And for the most part, we've got it under control. She gets a sticker every morning that she goes without a struggle, and if she gets ten stickers in a row, she gets a special treat of one on one time, dinner with Daddy.

This morning didn't go well. It just didn't. And it should have. All the stars were aligned for it - it was inside out day at school, and she was very excited about wearing her pants inside out and her shirt on backwards. She had a can of peas to bring in for the food drive, a Scholastic order form to hand in to get new books, and it's the last day before vacation. Everything was packed last night, her clothes laid out, she slept relatively well - got up once and crawled into bed with me, but fell back asleep pretty quickly. And she flat out didn't want to go. Claimed she felt like she was bleeding everywhere. She was sick and why did we sign her up for school in the first place - she hates going to stupid school and isn't going. She trudged out the door crying, sat on the top of the stairs, refusing to go. I got her downstairs and out the door, only to have her turn around sobbing and beg for another hug and a kiss. There's no joy in shipping your child off with tears streaming down her face and utter misery in every line of her body - and I know I'll spend the rest of the day feeling guilty for sending her (even though she's missed a ton of school this year, between Jewish holidays and the H1N1 - she really can't blow off any more).

In other news... Sam and Jordyn are here, and both delighted with themselves. I love this new schedule, I'm babysitting a different kid every day. And Sam is loving having a buddy here to play with, and switching it up means that they never get sick of each other.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

May is a nice month for a baby

After much thought (and the gradual acceptance that this baby is in no mood to join the party yet), I've concluded that May is a nice month for a baby. I always liked May better than April anyway. April is associated with rain - May with flowers. I like flowers. And as of my doctor's appt yesterday - I was still only three centimeters, no change from Sunday. As long as I don't go too crazy with the activity, the contractions are pretty minor, and I'm just thinking now that she'll hold out until May.

Slept well last night - except poor Sam woke up with an accident around four o'clock. He'd been dry for about a week, but last night, not so much. He's mostly still sleeping, but hollering "I'm WET, WET, WET!" in the most aggrieved of tones. I stripped him down, laid a thick towel over the sogginess and told him to go back to sleep. And he's still out :-). Probably drenching the bed, but at this point, there's not too much I can do about it. He spent last night with Marc - he was just totally in love with Daddy. He trailed along behind Marc all night, clutching his Captain America comic book, and waiting until Marc was ready to sit with him and read it. Wouldn't let me cut his nails, but let Daddy do it, and then they read comic books together and talked long after Jess and I bailed for bed. It was one of those nights when I was profoundly grateful for both of them - that I had been able to give Marc a son who so clearly worships him, and to have a Daddy for Sam who is more than willing to sit for hours and discuss whatever Sam thinks is important.

There's a special bond between Marc and Sam. It's not that he doesn't love his girls, and he's got a distinct relationship with all three of his girls, but with Sam - it's more that they are so in sync, they have so much in common. Part of it is straight up hero worship. Marc is very stereotypically male, in that he loves working out, martial arts, can fix stuff around the house, does all the "boy" stuff like trash and bug killing - and Sam really, really gravitates to that. Marc is also willing to do it all on a three year old level. He'll let Sam crawl all over him, attempting to beat him up. Brags about Sam's fighting abilities, is delighted by his most daredevil tendencies. Things that freak me out make Marc proud. From the very beginning, when I wanted to put a helmet on him at seven months, just to save his little head because he kept trying to jump off of stuff - Marc was willing to let him try it. He encourages Sam to be exactly who he is - and Sam blossoms under that. He's a boy who loves his Daddy. And last night, it was so sweet to see them sitting together and talking.

Jessica Mary bounced out of bed happily enough and dashed off to school. She did, of course, bitterly demand that Daddy get the hell out of her room when he went to wake her up, but once she got up, she was pleasant enough. Tomorrow's inside out day at school, and she's ridiculously looking forward to it. She's doing great in the mornings again. She and I are working our way thru Harry Potter - we're on Book Four. I was a little hesitant about continuing with it, because it starts to get darker and more ominous in this book and Book Five was my least favorite of the whole series - but after thinking about it - I'm reading it with her, and we discuss it. And nobody ever limited what I was reading as a child... so we'll see. She's so kind and soliticious of me these days. Getting up is more challenging, and she always offers me a hand or a push. She's really been my rock thru this whole pregnancy - and I can't wait to see her with her new baby sister.

Harrison is here today - my new schedule is Harrison and Jordyn on alternating days during the week and it's working out GREAT. Sam's always got a buddy, and shaking it up means that he's never sick of whoever it is.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


Still with the contractions - but not in labor. I feel like I'm living in this odd holding pattern, any plans I make are tentative, everything. Even something as simple as planning to take Jess to dance, in the back of my mind, I'm making contingency plans about what I'll do if my water suddenly breaks. I'm trying to keep the house constantly clean, food in the house, laundry done and put away, floors vacuumed just in case.

I'm grumpy today - for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly it feels like I've got a killer case of PMS, because it's not rational stuff that's bugging me. I'm just mad at everything. Not mad, that's not the right word. I'm aggravated by everything.

On the upside - Sam stayed dry again all night - first night without wearing pull -ups. He's officially potty trained, dry thru the night and I'm very proud. I had always thought that boys were so much tougher, but he was actually pretty easy, and certainly got to be night dry a lot earlier than Jessie did. I'm still a little shocked by it, and feel as though somehow he grew up when I wasn't paying attention.

Jessica woke up this morning in the same mood that I'm in right now. She hates stupid school, she wasn't going and doesn't know why I signed her up for it in the first place. She complained for about five minutes, furious at me, and then I very calmly told her that she was going regardless and we could either do it the easy way or Daddy would drag her out kicking and screaming and we'd all be miserable. And just like that, she turned it around and was sunshiney happy, ate, got dressed, and danced out the door with a smile on her face. Very nice self control on her part, I was pleased :-)

My house is clean, and the kids are playing together gorgeously. I've got Sam and Jordyn here - and they are the best of friends today. With these two, they're either best friends or mortal enemies and there's no way to predict which it's going to be. But they've been playing together happily for about three hours now, going from playing with the dragon castle, the plastic food, the doctor kit, drifting into a superhero game and then starting all over again.

My mother is coming with me to my doctor's appt today, because with two toddlers, it's just not a good idea to go to a 38 week doctor's appt, complete with painful internal exam, by myself. She's goign to come in and hear the heartbeat and then take the kids downstairs to the lobby area. The hospital where I'll be having the baby has this gorgeous atrium, with a waterfall, Dunkin Donuts and a gift shop that sells penny candy. Then I've got a busy afternoon of dance class, time at the playground, dashing to get Marc, rushing to get the girls at Hebrew School and then back home for dinner, baths and bed. Unless I randomly go into labor, in which case, all plans are off.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Just one more thing

This has to be a record for me - three posts in one day. But I just got back from going out to dinner with my two cherubs. We walked a couple of blocks over and had pizza together. We were the only ones in the restaurant, and the owner put on cartoons for them to watch while we ate. They were sitting across from me, munching on pizza, and I was struck suddenly by how incredibly beautiful they were. With their matching eyes, and facial shapes - their coloring is totally different, Jess has dark brown curls and Sam has straight light brown hair, but there's this similiarity to them. They've got Marc's facial shape, mine is longer, and my eyes - but they were so perfect, sitting there together. At one point, Sam leaned up against Jess, and she casually put her arm around him - and it was one of those moments when you're just so incredibly grateful for the children you have, for the love they share and the joy they bring. I'll never forget that moment - when I'm ninety three and can't remember how to tie my own shoes, I'll be able to think back to this one particular night and remember how that felt, to sit across from them and think to myself about how incredibly lucky I am - to have created these two children, these two people - who are going to grow and become adults who'll always have that bond, that unspoken, quiet ease with each other. He depends on her, and she takes care of him - and it's stunning in it's beauty sometimes.


I just have to take a minute to brag about my little boy. When Marc and I first discussed getting pregnant again, one of the hurdles we were concerned about was that Sam still seemed so young. How could I have another baby when he was still so needy? But in the past nine months - he's grown so much!

- He weaned on his own. This was HUGE. I had resigned myself to tandem nursing, because the thought that he'd actually voluntarily stop nursing was inconceivable. Every attempt I had made to put limits on it, or stop altogether was just a constant battle. This was a kid who LOVED to nurse. Loved it like some kids love a stuffed animal or other security object. It was simply his favorite thing to do. He fell asleep every night nursing, woke up by nursing, wanted to nurse when he was bored or sick or tired or hurt. He wanted to nurse 24/7, and I never, never thought that he'd wean on his own - but he did.

- His verbal skills took off. Sam was somewhat of a late talker. A big communicator, he could say "Dis" and nod or shake his head to express yes or no, and managed to get his point across very well. But now - he's just talking and talking and talking. He's a little chatterbox, with this hugely developed vocabulary, a vivid imagination and a brilliant mind that constantly surprises me.

- He potty trained. I had potty trained the two other kids I sit for last summer and Sam had no interest in it at all. I wasn't even going to think about pushing it until this summer, but in February, he decided that it was time. He spent the best part of two weeks naked, but really, was reliably potty trained from the moment he decided it was time. He spent three months only going at home, but has consistently amazed me with his ability to hold it. He wouldn't go if we weren't at home, but stayed dry almost 100% of the time. And on Sunday, he went pee at the library for the first time. I was so proud, I actually teared up in the ladies room. And I realized this morning that he's been dry at night for the past week. Jess was in pull ups at night until she was five - I never dreamed that Sam would be able to do it so fast. But we never even got thru the first box of pull ups we bought him - he's just all the way potty trained and he did it all on his own.

He's such a big boy - he can get his own snacks out of the fridge, put it on a plate, put the plate in the microwave and then put away the container without any help. He's snapping his own buttons on his pants, putting on his own shoes and picking out his own clothes. He's this great big huge grown up boy and he's not even four years old yet. He's amazing to me - how did this tiny baby who needed me so desperately for the first two years suddenly turn into this person who's so independent and big? I didn't see this coming, for some reason.

From the beginning, Sam was such a different child. He's the one grandchild in my family who hated everyone right off the bat. Nobody could hold him, nobody could even make unauthorized eye contact for a long time because he'd cry. He hated everyone in the world for the first six months except for me, and then only reluctantly let his dad and his sisters into the inner circle of people he'd talk to. He hated parties, hated socializing - this is the kid who, last year, asked that for his next birthday party, we just have people drop off the gifts and then leave. I got used to him being anti-social, got used to spending all parties hiding in the bathroom or out in the lobby or on the stairs away from everyone. And now he's so big and smart and funny and he's really just blossomed. I'm so proud of my baby - my boy. So proud of the little man he's becoming and only a little wistful about the baby boy that he used to be.

Delightful day

Yesterday, Marc stayed home from work. We had been at the hospital so late that we were both exhausted and it just made sense. After taking Jess to school, he gave me benedryl and sent me back to bed and I slept for two whole glorious hours. He and Sam played a board game and hung out, and then we switched off. I got up with the boy and he went back to sleep for a couple of hours. Then he picked Jess up at school and took her out for her special reward day. Ten good mornings in a row gets her a special afternoon or evening of one-on-one time with Daddy. They went to Friendly's and had a very early dinner and ice cream and then went to a little beading store and made me a pretty little bracelet. After they got home, Marc did the dishes (yes, it was a glorious day) and I had spent the afternoon slowly cleaning and picking up the clutter. Sam and Marc played the classic game of "Fight on the Bed" for a while after Sam's bath and then we all watched Scooby. Actually, Marc and the kids watched Scooby, I took a nice long shower and more benedryl. Then I read another chapter of Harry Potter and put Jess to bed, Sam dozed off next to Marc in the recliner and we were all in bed by nine o'clock. It was one of the best days I can remember.

And today is sunshiney and cool, Sam is still asleep. Jessie got up, dressed, ate, did her hair and danced off to school delighted with herself. I'm going to take the boys to the park this morning, going slowly and resting along the way. I'm no longer trying to put myself into labor and have mentally resigned myself to just staying pregnant. Forever. Everything is calm and relaxed and easy. The house is relatively clean, laundry is spinning around in the machine, I'm making chicken, rice and veggies for dinner. It may just be that we're in a holding pattern - waiting with baited breath for my water to break and labor to really start - but right now, I'm grateful for this time. This peaceful, easy time when we wait for our baby.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Nope - nothing

It's obvious to me that I'm never going to have this child, but will live the rest of my life huge, sore, irritable and unhappy. I was in there last night until after 1:00, and then they sent me home. The new trick to dealing with contractions is to take a lovely benedryl/tylenol cocktail and try to sleep them off. If I can sleep thru them, then don't go in. I'm now at three centimeters, so I am dilating, just exceptionally slowly - and all the activity is just making me more uncomfortable with muscle soreness and increased contractions, but not actually doing much to move labor along. I literally cried like a toddler last night when the nurse told me that I wasn't actually dilating anymore and that I should just go home. Apparently, I'm in early labor and it could happen later this afternoon, tomorrow, or next week sometime. Everything hurts, I'm still having contractions, and I'm so insanely frustrated.

With Jess and Sam - I didn't have any contractions until I was in labor. So if I'm having contractions, I'm conditioned to think "yep, this is it, let's go" and it's really hard for me to grasp that these contractions don't actually mean much of anything. I told Marc last night that he was now in control of when I go in and when I don't, because I'm obviously too clueless to figure it out on my own. I want so badly to have the baby that I convince myself I'm in active, hard labor, when I'm actually not. I feel ridiculously stupid, on top of just so tired and sore and desperate for the pregnancy to be over.

I know I should be cherishing these last few weeks of pregnancy, and the baby is moving and kicking and dancing around in there - but if one more person points out to me that the baby will come when she's ready and I can't rush it - I'm going to just flat out lose it. Obviously, I can't will myself into labor, because, believe me, I've tried. And the facts are that I could go another three or four weeks before the baby comes. I know this. I just ... want it over so badly.

I want to hold my baby girl. I have everything set and ready for her, her clothes are washed and folded and her swing and bouncy seat and car seat are lined up in the living room waiting.

I want not to be pregnant anymore. I want so badly to be physically ME again, to be able to swing my legs out of bed and jump up in the morning, to be able to pop out of the car or up from the couch. I want to wear real clothes again, I want no more heartburn, I want, I want, I want.... I know, she's going to come when she's good and ready, and I need to just chill out and relax, and I'm going to attempt that.

Because really, the early newborn stage is rough. I'm just trying to convince myself of that - because it's actually my favorite time. When the baby is so tiny and sweet and so perfectly content just to be next to you. When the wants are needs, and they're so easy to meet, nursing all the time and rocking her, tucking her into a sling and walking around, showing her the sunshine. When you exist on baby time, and two o'clock in the morning is the most beautiful time, because nobody else is there and it's just you and your baby and you know that everything in right in the world.

I just want my baby.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I think I might have done it

I walked my little heart out today - and have been having contractions for a couple of hours now. I'm staying home as long as I can because I don't want to go and be sent home again, but these feel real. Will keep you posted...


I'm cleaning today. Marc wanted to have the girls over night last night, and invited our friend's daughter to spend the night as well (on the theory that when you've got four, you might as well have five). Everyone had a wonderful time, including me, because when they started to make me crazy with the mess and the noise, I left them all home and went to the pedicure place up the street to get my toes done. I can't reach them anymore and pretty toes really make a huge difference for me, strangely enough. I like having a lot of kids around, I do, and am blissfully happy that my husband feels the same way, but at this point in the pregnancy, all I really want to do is just go into labor and I'm not blessed with a great deal of patience. So it was good all the way around that I was able to escape. An hour in a nice massage chair, with a "spa" pedicure, massaging my feet and ankles, lots of hot towels and warm water... it made it much nicer. They're all tearing around the living room this morning and have been since just before seven and I'm doing my best to block it out.

I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant any more. I used to have a lot more patience and calm. I feel like I'm mostly just irritated these days.

I find myself randomly rearranging my bedroom this morning, nothing major, but puttering and moving some smaller stuff around. Hoping maybe it's a sign. I'm still having minor contractions pretty much constantly and right now, they just frustrate me. It's like my body is just teasing me... so close, so close, so almost in labor - but nothing really happening....

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Not successful as of yet

Although not for lack of trying... I've done stairs, I've walked, I'm bounced, I've lunged, I've prayed, I've talked to spirit guides, I've whined, I've moaned, I've had so much water I'm ready to drown and I'm flat out exhausted. And I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing. A couple of piddling little contractions, some hard core sore hips, a backache and I'm pretty irritated. But I'm not in labor.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Operation Get The Baby Out commences

I walked my little heart out yesterday, and am planning on a busy day of stair climbing, birth ball bouncing, vigorous vacuuming, deep knee lunges and whatever else I can come up with. My mother is coming to pick me up and we're going to walk, walk, walk all morning. Well, she's going to be shopping, but I'll be walking. And walking and walking. I walked a lot yesterday and didn't really get much out of it, but hope springs eternal...

My goal is go into hard core labor tonight, and deliver sometime tomorrow. Annie's got all weekend off, so she can watch the cherubs, plus I'd get out of having all four kids tomorrow night. She'd have her own birthday, because Lilli's is today, and I have no kids scheduled for Monday. Tonight would be PERFECT. I know it seems kind of cold to attempt to schedule birth like this - but this weekend would really be IDEAL. Plus, I'm a good two centimeters, head down, engaged, lost the mucous plus, I've been having contractions for weeks, my bag is packed, I'm ready. So incredibly ready.

All went well this morning - Jess was sad and perplexed - WHY, OH WHY must she go to school on Fridays???? but handled the morning well despite that. She sobbed briefly because Friday is spelling test day, and she didn't feel as though she had practiced enough, but when we looked at the words again, we decided that they were pretty easy and she'd be fine. Not that she's ever scored lower than an eighty on a test, but she's always disappointed when she doesn't get the full 100% correct.

Sam woke up bereft and miserable because he wanted a life pack. I have no idea what the hell that is, so it took a while to talk him out of it. He's laying in bed, crying because he needs a life pack really, really badly, and I'm trying to tell him not to worry, we'll find one - and Marc piped up that it's something that Marines get before going out on tour maybe, I don't know. And it's entirely possible that it was something he'd heard about watching the military channel with Marc, and decided he must have. Either way, he was mollified with some yogurt and the Disney channel, and all is well in his world again.

I'm going to clean, clean, clean until Mom gets here, and do my best to remain busy and occupied, dropping into deep knee lunges periodically. Send me good labor thoughts, okay?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Pre-baby Spring 2010 pictures

My gorgeous girl getting ready to go to dance class.

Marc teaching Sam how to ride his bike - Sam claims he was "born to bike."

Guess who's not in labor???

That'd be me. I'm trying - if wishful thinking counted for anything, this baby would have been born a week ago. I went in yesterday for my weekly appointment, and I'm a good two centimeters (whereas last week, I was sort of, maybe, a wishy-washy two) and her head is definitely down and engaged. Cindy said it was a big change from last week, so these constant contractions are definitely doing something. She did a, shall we say, vigorous internal exam, and apologized for hurting me, but said that it would help get the baby out. I suggested since she was in there and could feel the head anyway, why not grab it and give a yank. And I think she did. I asked about when to go in, and she said that I should call whenever I think I'm actually going into labor, that with the third baby, there's no telling how fast it'll go, and where I've got a previous c-section, they pay a little extra attention to me, just in case. Even though Sam's VBAC went smoothly, it's still a concern to have had one in the past.

I'm putting, trying to keep my house constantly in order and organized, so that someone could come in at a moments notice and take over when I go into the hospital. The kids will be staying here, and my friend Annie is going to come and watch them while I'm in actual labor at the hospital.

Am planning on walking a lot today - just to see what I can get going. I know she's not due until the end of the month, but it just feels like it's time. The idea of going all the way thru April and into May is absurd to me. So we'll see... I'll be 37 weeks tomorrow, and am so ready to hold my baby girl.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A book, a buck, and a note

That's how we handle the tooth fairy in our house. Her name is Marigold, and her brother's name is Eagle Feather (strangely enough). And our tooth fairy is very, very smart, and she knows that our kids are also very, very smart, so she doesn't give out a lot of money, she gives out books and a note telling them how proud she is, making special mention of their recent good behavior, and a dollar just because. She also, in case you were wondering, celebrates both Passover and Easter.

Jess did lose her tooth yesterday at school and was thrilled to death when she came home. Marc ran to Barnes and Nobles on the way home and picked up a book I would never have chosen, it's a Richard Scary Word Book, but he was so happy about it, I just went with it. And our night was filled with anticipation, as we wrote the note to Marigold, Jessie was very concerned about whether or not she should ask Marigold if she had a good Easter or a good Passover. So that's how we decided that she celebrates EVERYTHING because really, a tooth fairy should celebrate everything, I think.

In other news - no baby yet. I did walk for a while yesterday with the kids and had a bunch of good contractions, but they petered out and then I was just left in agony - my hips were KILLING me. My next appt is tomorrow, so I'm hoping that I've dilated a little more and with any luck, my water will just break any minute now and we'll have a baby :-) I'm so ready for her, got the swing, got the car seat, got the going home outfit, got the bouncy seat. I just need the girl child.

Samilicious woke up ridiculously early this morning, so wish me luck later. A Sam with no sleep is no fun :-(

Monday, April 5, 2010

The agony of a loose tooth

My heart breaks for her. I know in the overall scheme of things, this is not a tragedy. It's not. It's a perfectly natural, normal thing that every child must go thru. But it makes Jessie nuts, and she trudged out the door this morning, weeping and miserable because her tooth is really, really loose. And she won't let us pull it out.

She's never had an easy time losing her teeth. Her first two teeth, the ones on the bottom, she lost when she had her broken wrist. With only one functional arm, she had been using her mouth to grab things and when she was getting undressed one night, her shirt got stuck on the cast. Without thinking, she bit the shirt and yanked to get it past the cast and pulled both her bottom teeth out. She was completely traumatized, came screaming out of her bedroom, stark naked with a shirt hanging off her arm. The top two teeth weren't much better... she came home from kidnergarten sobbing because one was so loose it felt really weird and the other was close to it. Marc does the driving to and from school and had to get back to work. And he got a facecloth to examine it, and ended up just yanking both of the loose teeth out. No warning, just BOOM - teeth gone, problem solved. Which was so NOT what she wanted, and she was totally freaked out. End result is that she won't let him anywhere near her teeth (and who could blame her?), and the prospect of someone pulling a dangling tooth out of her mouth is cause for absolute hysteria.

The poor kid - I feel so bad for her. She wasn't awful this morning, but her tooth was bothering her and she was crying and miserable. And I sent her off to school anyway.

Sam's still asleep, thank goodness, because the more sleep he gets, the better everything is.

No news on the baby front - as much as I want to have her right now, right this very minute, there's a part of me that resigned to the thought that she's not coming any time soon. It's beginning to feel as though I'll be pregnant for the rest of my life. I'm going to walk today, and walk and walk and walk, and see what happens. Probably nothing, but at least the kids will have fun at the park :-)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

TMI and wicked cute kids

I think I'm losing my mucous plug. Which is probably more info than you want - but hey, it's my blog, right? :-) I'm incredibly delighted and the fact that it could still be weeks doesn't diminish my excitement at all. According to my friends at google, active labor could start anywhere from hours to weeks. I'm pinning all my hopes on "hours" and can't stop smiling.

Smiling to myself - because my sister Aimee took my two cherubs down to my mother's house without me, and Marc's at a meeting at the synagogue (strangely enough, Jewish people don't consider Easter to be a reason to cancel a meeting). Sam's a major Mommy's boy - and the prospect of him getting into a stranger's car (Aimee lives in Maine and we only see her two or three times a year) without me and heading off my mother's (who's he's notoriously not close to) is a staggeringly huge step. But he wanted to do it, at the last minute, he asked Jess to go too, and they drove off, with the two of them in their car seats in the back, holding hands. It was adorable.

Easter morning went GREAT - other than Jess waking up at the crack of dawn when I so wanted to sleep in. She waited to hunt for eggs until Sam got up, and then he asked her to find them herself because he wanted to sit "and rewax" (he is SO my son). We had fried matzo for breakfast (the glories of Easter and Passover falling together) and it was just a lovely morning.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Because you just have to notice sometimes...

Family drama all over the place - and it's a struggle to remember that this is my favorite time of the year. But it is, so I'm doing my best to just focus on my favorites. So here, in no particular order are things that make me particularly happy at this point in my life...

1 - My sister. Because you could not find anyone less like me, we have next to nothing in common, but she loves me and supports me and defends me and makes me feel connected to our history like nobody else. She's strong and relentlessly on my side. I don't know that I could have gotten thru the past couple of days without her.

2 - My mother. Because she's a part of me in ways that I don't even understand. Because I see her in myself a thousand times a day, in my daughter even more. Because she's my early morning call, my touchstone for most everything and I can't always figure out where she ends and I begin. I pray that when my daughters are my age, they have the kind of relationship with me that I have with her.

3 - My kids - both Jess and Sam have been so supportive. So aware of my emotions and so sensitive to any little upset. When I start sobbing (which I do with an alarming regularity these days), they immediately drop everything, and stand beside me, wordlessly rubbing my arm or back or whatever they can touch. They never ask for details, but let me know without saying a word how much they love me. They bring me Tums on demand, help push me up off the couch and even provide foot rubs.

4 - My husband - thank God for him, I can't imagine my life without him and rely so much on his strength and stability.

5 - My friends - who drop everything to come help me, to rearrange my living room or watch my kids.

6 - My little Julianna - who's such a good girl already, head down, contractions starting - she knows how badly I want to hold her, and how much we've all been waiting to see her. She's moving all the time, hasn't made me throw up in weeks and I think is just as eager to get this party started as I am.

7 - My neighborhood, filled with beautiful, big, blossoming trees and overrun with squirrels - I went for a very slow two hour walk yesterday with Jessie and Sam and fed the fish and the ducks and got ice cream and played baseball and frisbee (okay, I watched while they played baseball and frisbee) and we had the best afternoon we've had in a long time.

8 - My Jessie Bug - who's so big and so grown up and so sweet. She's such a beautiful combination of the best of both of us, and I'm forever grateful to have her in my life.

9 - My Samilicious - who's grown up so fast in the past several months - and I can't even bring myself to miss my baby boy in diapers and nursing because the little guy running around in Batman underwear is so endlessly cheerful and funny and sweet. I can't imagine my life without him.

Because it is spring, and the sky is blue, the birds sing at three o'clock in the morning (and I never knew that before). Because even when life seems complicated and difficult and like you're being attacked all the time, it's really never as hard as it looks. The blessings are all around you, you just have to remember to see them.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Is there nothing benedryl can't fix?

Went into the hospital last night with contractions. I had been having them pretty consistently for four or five hours, every four to eight minutes and they hurt. I had cleaned like a madwoman yesterday, Sara came over and we rearranged the living room and brought down the swing from the attic, set up the baby chairs, purged the toys, etc. I probably just overdid it, plus I had some other stress going on as well... but after sitting at the hospital, hooked up to a monitor for three hours, it turns out that while I'm contracting - they aren't consistent and aren't really, really doing much of anything. Her head is lower, but apparently bouncing in my pelvis (isn't that a lovely image?). The midwife said I have a really deep pelvis, and her head is right there, but not engaged. So the midwife sent me home, with instructions to drink a lot of fluid, relax as much as possible, and take benedryl and tylenol. Tylenol to help with the cramping and benedryl to essentially sedate the uterus.

In other news - the Wii is becoming the bane of my existence. I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon, I'm hoping it will, but it's the cause of much stress and heartache around here. Much joy as well - as Sam and Jess and Marc are delighted with it, but Sam sobbed yesterday as we were leaving for the hospital, begging Marc to stay with him and play, and Jess and Sam seem to fight over who's going first all the live long day. I'm limiting it, they played for about a half hour this morning and are now happily playing Barbies and superheros in the living room.

Am feeling a renewed sense of gratitude for being pregnant. Last night, I couldn't decide if I wanted to be in labor or if I wanted to go home. Because it's still early, and it would be better for the baby to wait, I went with not wanting to be in active labor, but it was a tough call, because the thought of having her in my arms and not being pregnant any more sounded really, really good. But now I feel so much closer to the end, like at any minute, my water could break and she could come rocketing out, so I'm trying to just enjoy this sensation of having her inside my body, kicking and safe. If nothing else, it helps on days like today, when my poor little Samilicious is an emotional wreck and in need of a lot of extra attention.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Two centimeters dilated, Jessie's hair cut and naked boxing

Much, much going on these days... Tuesday, we had Marc's family Seder over here. We only had 12 people, but it was still chaotic and messy and I'm not yet finished cleaning up afterwards. Marc did all the cooking and cleaned as best as he could while he did it, but there was still a ton of dishes and just miscellaneous crap to clean up afterwards. A messy house makes me insane, I am so much more irritable and stressed out when everything is messy - so last night, I stayed up extra late, finished up almost all the dishes (my kitchen is really little, so there wasn't room to wash all of them), swept the floor and tried to find the dining room table. My plan for today is mostly just to stay home and try and restore order to the house. I'm not looking forward to it.

Went to see Cindy, my midwife, yesterday. I'm two centimeters dilated, but the head is still WAY up there, so I could be this way for a while, I guess. The baby looks great - she's still measuring exactly where she should be, isn't as active as she was, but still moving around enough for me to know she's there. I'm having a LOT of contractions, and some of them are pretty uncomfortable. I just want to hold her. I want my baby.

I'm trying to slow down and enjoy this last little bit of being pregnant. This is probably the last time I'll ever experience this, we're not planning on having more. And it's lovely, really, I'm all stuffed with magic, holding a little life inside me. We're closer now than we'll ever be again. She's safe and protected and I can meet her every need just by existing. It'll never be this easy again. I'm trying to remember to enjoy every last second of having Jess be my only girl, of having Sam being my baby. I'm better at that - at really relishing every last moment of before the baby comes, because it'll never be this simple again. It'll be better, I know that, I can't wait to have my baby girl, but this time is special too. Reading to Jess at night is going to get more complicated, snuggling Sam to sleep by himself is going to be a little tougher to figure out when I've got an infant demanding my time and and attention. So I'm just... trying to enjoy the time I have left, instead of driving myself crazy waiting for labor to come.

My beautiful girl decided that her hair was simply too much for her and scalped herself last night. It was in her eyes, and so she snagged the scissors from her art kit and chopped it off. There's a quarter inch at the very front of her hair that's now shorter than Marc's. It doesn't look too bad, but she always looks beautiful to me, so I'm probably biased. I'm going to take her this weekend to get it actually cut and styled. I always thought little girls should have long hair, and have kept hers basically at shoulder length (it doesn't want to grow longer), but she'd like it shorter, and it's her hair. Plus, as she's shown, if I don't get it cut, she'll just cut it herself, so I'm resigning myself to a bob...

My mother got Sam and Jess a Wii. And I already hate it. Sam is madly in love with it, but nowhere near old enough to play it alone and I HATE video games. He played last night, boxing. And had started to get undressed for bed before Marc told him he could play, so I came out of putting (attempting, anyway) Jess to bed to find him stark naked, boxing with air. He was adorable. But he woke up this morning, sobbing because he wanted to play, and has already been on it for a half hour. I finally got him off, and am seriously considering making it a "play only with Daddy" thing.