It's a....

GIRL!

I'm so happy. I think I'd be equally as happy about it being a boy, but finding out the gender makes it seem so much more real to me. I'm carrying a little girl - I'm going to have two daughters and a son. How incredibly perfect. I'm absolutely delighted.

The ultrasound went great - everything looks nice and healthy. The baby is very active, moving all over the place, measurements were great, placenta is lovely. And the tech was more that 90% certain that this is a tiny girl for me. Jessie is, obviously, beyond thrilled and Sam is mostly happy, although a bit bitter because he was hoping for a brother.

I talked to Marc last night about finding out, we had planned on not finding out, because Marc didn't want to. And if he felt strongly against it, I would have gone along, but am so glad that he was okay with me finding out. It's just easier for me to bond. We found out with Jess and didn't with Sam - and with Jess, from the second she was born, it was an immediate bond because I had been waiting to meet my Jessie for months. With Sam, I initially had to get used to having a boy. I loved him from the start, of course, but think that not finding out made it a little tougher to feel that immediate connection.

I can't stop smiling - I'm so happy.

Is it wrong that I loved this weekend so much?

It was quiet, it was peaceful, it was lovely. We did absolutely nothing, for the most part. Jess stayed home from Hebrew School, Marc didn't want to send her out into the world yet, the fever is gone, but she was still coughing. We didn't have Lilli and Sarah, because we didn't want to unnecessarily expose them if we didn't have to, and plans for Saturday night at my sister's were cancelled due to them coming down with the flu. Friday night, we went out to dinner, Saturday, we lazed around the house most of the day, braving the cold for a while with a brief trip to the park and the library, and then back home. Marc took Sammy to the store to do the grocery shopping, and today - we did absolutely nothing. Watched movies, I read three or four books, Jess finished up her homework and Marc watched the game.

It's odd, because we spend so much of the weekends running all the time - have to get up early, get the girl dressed and off to Hebrew School, picking up Sarah on the way, then rush to drop Sarah off at dance, pick Lilli up from dance, back to pick Sarah up - and then the afternoons are so loud and chaotic with four kids running around the house and screaming. This weekend was so incredibly peaceful and relaxed and easy - I feel guilty because I enjoyed it so much. The kids are both better, Jessie cough has mostly subsided, we're all still sneezing a lot, but everyone is feeling good and it was just so nice to have it just be the four of us.

The morning sickness has really gotten so much better. I'm still really lazy though, no energy whatsoever. I doze a lot more and wish for naps when I don't. The ultrasound is on Wednesday and I'm really, really nervous about it. The baby isn't moving yet, and I spend most of my time (because I'm just laying around mostly) trying to will myself to feel the movement. Even though I think maybe I've felt it a couple of times, it's nothing substantial, nothing real - and it's freaking me out. Especially because I'm not out of my mind sick. Rationally, I know that it's average to feel it closer to 18-20 weeks, and I won't be 16 weeks until Friday - but STILL. I just want to know that the baby is okay and everything is fine.

Flu, baby worries, and gratitude

I've had a lot of both this past week. Poor Jess has been home sick with a fever all week, and I've been trapped alone in the house with both kids by myself - and there were definitely times when I didn't handle it well. I'm a yeller - I come from a long line of yellers and it's obvious that my children have inherited (or learned) the tendency to holler when things get tough. I'm making a serious effort to remain calm, to speak softly - but on more than one occasion, I found myself screaming at them for screaming at each other. Which doesn't make any sense, but is certainly loud.

Another thing I've noticed is that they both want to be on me. All the time. Both my kids are cuddlers, thank goodness, and for most of the week, when I sit down, they both come and crawl up beside me. (Leading me to worry about where on earth I'm going to put the baby when it comes, both sides of me are taken). And I've been so grateful, all week long, that I can do that - that I can sit and just cuddle my cherubs and not have to worry about calling in and missing work. I can read to them for hours, or curl up and watch movies, or play on the computer or just talk... and not every mom gets to do that, so I'm thankful for that this week.

I'm fifteen weeks pregnant today - fifteen weeks. That's huge, and so fast. I worry about the baby a lot, this is a tough time in the pregnancy because it's still to early to REALLY feel the baby, the morning sickness (thank God) has faded a lot, and I'm just sort of... hanging in and waiting. Still don't have a girl's name picked out, starting to worry about where I'm going to get the money to pay for what we need (like a bassinette, dresser, clothes, etc...) and where on earth I'm going to put the stuff, once I get it. How the kids will adjust - will Sam be okay giving up the coveted "baby" spot in the family? Will Jessie be okay with my attention being split even more than it is now? Will I ever get my body back? After nursing for three plus years, am I signing up for another three? Sam has cut way down on nursing, but will he start back up again when the new baby comes? How do I give that baby all that I gave to the other two, when I've still got the other two to take care of?

Still here taking care of sickos

Not that they're all that sick, but still sick enough to be stuck at home and miserable about it. Jessie's fever was normal this morning, and she's hoping to be well enough to go to school tomorrow. Sam's got a bit of an elevated fever this morning (100.5) and is in a wretched mood, poor thing. I say poor thing because at the moment, he's laying on the couch watching Toy Story and not focusing all of his attention on bothering his sister, which was what he was doing this morning.

I'm definitely ready for healthy kids. It's draining, being at home, basically quarantined. I can't go to the park or the library with them, and even though I haven't been as active lately with the pregnancy, I like knowing that I could be. I feel very trapped and full of cabin fever. I'm desperate for adult interaction, bitter on the nights that Marc isn't here, and eager for the return of healthy, happy children.

Fifteen weeks tomorrow - YAY. Very excited about this, and nervous about the upcoming ultrasound next week. I always worry - what if there's something wrong? The baby isn't moving, not really, I think sometimes I feel it, but it's nothing I can swear is the baby moving. I'm still sick and tired and know intellectually that everything's okay, but.... but, but, but. I always worry.

The dreaded flu

So far, it really hasn't been that bad. Not compared to some of the horror stories that I've heard. Jess came down with it on Sunday, and since we're going on day 4 with a fever, I've got an appointment this afternoon to get her evaluated. Sam is just starting with the fever (actually, right now, Jessie's is 100.5 and Sam's is 100.7). The school has a fever free for 24 hours rule which means she won't be back to school until Friday at the earliest. Monday was, by far, the worst day, and she's been gradually getting better, but can't kick the fever. So far, Sam seems to be fine (other than the low grade fever).

I, however, have been going out of my mind. Major fatigue and lack of energy combined with being trapped in the house alone for days on end has not made for a happy Mommy. It takes a lot out of you - taking care of sick kids when you would so much rather just be laying down somewhere yourself. I think I'm anemic - based on just the fact that it can't be normal to have this little energy. I know I'm pregnant, but this is ridiculous. The nausea is slightly better, I haven't thrown up in a while - but I just feel exhausted and like I'd be better off if everyone would go somewhere, just for a while, and let me sleep.

Having a baby

I've been thinking a lot about my past birth experiences, and what I'd like for this next one. I'll be fifteen weeks pregnant on Friday, and am flat out shocked at how FAST this pregnancy is whipping past me.

Jessica was four days late. I had an ultrasound scheduled for the morning she was born at 10:00, and started having contractions at 6:28. I remember the time specifically because it woke me up :-). I called my sister in law to ask her what these really odd back pains were, because it wasn't like any kind of contraction I had read about. She patiently told me that I was obviously having back labor. I sat in my little rocking chair for the next two hours, writing down every contraction and how long it lasted. It was snowing that morning, and by the time I got Marc up and we drove to the hospital, it was snowing a lot harder. I got my ultrasound, everything looked fine, and they admitted me. Looking back now, I really loved my birth experience with Jess. It hurt, oh my God, it hurt, and I was vomiting with the pain and so scared - but it was beautiful at the same time. I knew I was so close to this thing that I had wanted for so long, and it was quiet and calm with the blizzard raging outside. My mother, thank goodness, was right beside me, coaching me thru breathing. Marc was there, but I really remember my mom. I got the epidural around two-ish, and after that, I got to sleep for a bit. My regular OB wasn't there, so I had a total stranger as my doctor. I got to nine centimeters with no problems, and then stalled out. Jessie started showing signs of distress, and we decided to do a C-section. She was born at 6:32 p.m. I had a little trouble after surgery, couldn't stop shaking, then my blood pressure dropped, and I passed out. Having no memory of it, I can't tell you much about that part of the day - but my mother still gets teary eyed talking about it. Thru the whole experience - I remember the feeling of her hands on my head. Once I woke up, Jess latched on right away, and it was magical and beautiful and amazing.

With my Samilicious - he was six days early. I had gone into the hospital for a routine visit, and was mildly concerned because he didn't seem to be moving as much as I wanted. I went down for an ultrasound, and while I was waiting, I felt my first contraction. Back labor. Again. They were really mild, so I wasn't too worried, especially where Jess had been late, it just didn't occur to me that I was actually going to go into labor. Marc had met me down at the hospital, and I had my Jess right there too. The ultrasound looked fine, and on the elevator ride down from my doctor's office, my water broke. MORTIFYING. Absolutely mortifying. I waddled to the bathroom to check (on what I don't know, I was soaking wet) and called upstairs (my OB's office is at the hospital). The receptionist told me to come back upstairs, so up five floors in the elevator, soaking wet pants, three year old by the hand, only to be met at the door and told that clearly, my water had broken and I should go BACK DOWNSTAIRS to labor and delivery.

My cousin Becky came with her mother, and her mother took Jessie home with her. Labor was great - the contractions were mild, and I was so happy to have gone a little early (July is not a good month to be pregnant in for me). I was apparently a little TOO happy, as my doctor suggested pitocin to get things moving. And moving they were - I went from not too bad at all to OH MY GOD - THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME. I didn't want to rush into the epidural (why?? I don't know) so when the nurse suggested a narcotic, I went with that. That did nothing for the pain, but did make me so confused and disoriented, I couldn't open my eyes and everything hurt and it was awful... I waited another two hours, just laying there and moaning. Becky and Marc were both there with me, but I remember just feeling so alone and hurt and scared. I finally got the epidural - and while they were putting it in, I had sent Becky and Marc to go grab something to eat. Figuring that I'd get a little rest after the epidural - I was only six centimeters dilated at that point. But once the epidural was in, the nurse checked me and I was ten centimeters and she told me to start pushing.

I don't know about most people, and am not sure if this is normal for back labor, but I had no desire to push, no driving biological urge. My contractions were manifesting as massive leg and hip cramps. It was terrifying, my husband and cousin were having dinner, I had no idea how to push, why they thought it was a good idea... it was awful. He was out in twenty minutes, so I must have done something right, but mostly, I think he just burrowed his way out on his own, I had nothing to do with it. That being said, they delivered him right up onto my stomach, and I got to nurse him right away - and that, that was magical.

So what do I want to do this time? I'm definitely going for VBAC, because the recovery time is so much better. And I'm seriously going to start wearing major pads when I'm 38 weeks, just in case. I want to labor at home for a lot longer this time - because I was at the hospital when my water broke, it all started faster than I think it needed to. I'm going to avoid pitocin at all cost - that stuff was horrible - and if I get pain relief, it's going to be straight epidural. But I'm also reading as much as I can about labor and child birth, specifically back labor and how it's different. Twenty five weeks to go!

Trick or Treating

I think Halloween, every year, should be held on the last Saturday of the month. Because that way you've got all afternoon to prepare, nobody has to get out of work early, you can start trick or treating when you want to, you don't care what time they go to bed because nobody has to get up early the next morning, and they've got all day Sunday to eat ridiculous amounts of junk and get it over and done with so you don't have to spend the next week and a half arguing about it.

Jess had the BEST costume - a super cool witch dress and hat with green face paint. She looked fabulous and loved it. Sam, on the other hand, refused to wear any of the three costumes I offered him. I have a pirate costume that he shot down right off the bat, then he wanted a knight costume, which involved a shield and sword he refused to carry, and finally he agreed to wear his trusty Batman costume, only to bail out at the last minute because "it was private" and he didn't want anyone to see it.

Jess is home sick today with a cough and a fever. A little motrin made her all better and I probably should have sent her, but it's always tough to tell, and with a fever... I figured she'd be better off home for the day.