I've had a lot of both this past week. Poor Jess has been home sick with a fever all week, and I've been trapped alone in the house with both kids by myself - and there were definitely times when I didn't handle it well. I'm a yeller - I come from a long line of yellers and it's obvious that my children have inherited (or learned) the tendency to holler when things get tough. I'm making a serious effort to remain calm, to speak softly - but on more than one occasion, I found myself screaming at them for screaming at each other. Which doesn't make any sense, but is certainly loud.
Another thing I've noticed is that they both want to be on me. All the time. Both my kids are cuddlers, thank goodness, and for most of the week, when I sit down, they both come and crawl up beside me. (Leading me to worry about where on earth I'm going to put the baby when it comes, both sides of me are taken). And I've been so grateful, all week long, that I can do that - that I can sit and just cuddle my cherubs and not have to worry about calling in and missing work. I can read to them for hours, or curl up and watch movies, or play on the computer or just talk... and not every mom gets to do that, so I'm thankful for that this week.
I'm fifteen weeks pregnant today - fifteen weeks. That's huge, and so fast. I worry about the baby a lot, this is a tough time in the pregnancy because it's still to early to REALLY feel the baby, the morning sickness (thank God) has faded a lot, and I'm just sort of... hanging in and waiting. Still don't have a girl's name picked out, starting to worry about where I'm going to get the money to pay for what we need (like a bassinette, dresser, clothes, etc...) and where on earth I'm going to put the stuff, once I get it. How the kids will adjust - will Sam be okay giving up the coveted "baby" spot in the family? Will Jessie be okay with my attention being split even more than it is now? Will I ever get my body back? After nursing for three plus years, am I signing up for another three? Sam has cut way down on nursing, but will he start back up again when the new baby comes? How do I give that baby all that I gave to the other two, when I've still got the other two to take care of?