Thank you

Thanks so much for the support and pep talks - it really does make me smile and feel better every time I read one of them.

And there's so much to be grateful for - I miscarried at this time once before, so I always hesitate before complaining, it's so much better to be sick and have a happy, healthy pregnancy than to feel the symptoms slipping away and then going thru the loss. I'm loving this pregnancy, almost every last little bit of it. I've got this nice big belly already and find myself spending much of my time rubbing the baby. Sam's taken to hollering into my belly button, "heddo baby - I'm your big brudder!" and Jessie keeps coming out with new names to add to the list. The nicest part of this pregnancy is watching their excitement about having a new brother or sister
:-)

I'm going to whine here a little bit...

First - the disclaimer... I'm unbelievably happy about this pregnancy. In many ways, it's my most emotionally blessed pregnancy, in that I'm not grieving a loss, or terrified of it's effect (or affect??) on the family dynamic. I'm just all the way around happy about it, and not for one single solitary moment would I want to be anything other than pregnant with this baby right now.

That being said... I'm so tired of being sick. I'm tired of eating every hour, or hour and a half. I'm tired of throwing up, I'm tired of dry heaving into the toilet. I'm tired of my living room looking like a disaster all the time because I don't have the spare energy to actually pick anything up. I can handle dishes and laundry - that's about it. And even then - the dishes aren't ever put away and if I manage to fold the laundry, there's not a chance in hell of it getting to the dressers. I plan my whole day around proximity to food - how soon can I get it, what can I possibly eat that won't make me gag - and the worst part is that I almost never actually want to eat anything. I really don't. I feel yucky and want to lay down and not eat, but down that path lies more rehydration, and who wins when I'm spending the afternoon in the ER? (Although the thought of a quiet afternoon in bed, even with needles poking into me, doesn't sound ALL bad to me right now). My house is a disaster, today I've eaten half a bagel, three granola bars, half a mini pizza, a bowl of cereal, a pb&j, and two scrambled eggs. And I figure I've got maybe until four thirty before I need to shove something else into my mouth. Not because I'm hungry, because I'm not, at this point, I don't really like eating anything, but when there's something in my stomach, I don't want to hurl. At least not too much.

I feel awful. There. I've said it. I love this baby, love the pregnancy, love the whole process - but dammit, I feel absolutely awful all the time and I'm so tired of it.

On the upside - NINE WEEKS TODAY. And maybe this baby will be the one who shuts off the morning sickness right at 13 weeks. Neither of the other two worked that way, but hey, every pregnancy is different, right?

Slacker Blogger

I've just been honestly so sick and yucky, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. All is still delightful in my world - crippling financial worries that so far I'm managing to keep shoved to the side, when I think too much about it, I freak out, so I try to stay focused on other stuff :-).

Jess is thriving in first grade, I'm kicking myself for not pushing to get her into Flagg Street last year. The difference is astronomical, she's excited about going every morning, can't wait to get there, bounces out of the car and bops right in. It's fabulous. She's loving dance class, loving Hebrew School... Jess has always been a girl with a strong grip on the misery of life, to put it politely - she's always been able to tap into that gloomy side of life without too much trouble, but this year has made such a difference. She's just so much happier. She loves what she's doing all day. I love seeing her so delighted with life.

Sam's doing really well too - he's still nowhere near potty training, but in all other respects, he's grown up a LOT. He's so funny and chatty and just my best buddy. I bring him with me wherever I go, so he's my constant companion. I love this time with him, I find him endlessly interesting and the way his mind works fascinates me. He's still nursing, and I'm past the point of thinking that I should stop. He's not ready and when he is, he will. Until then - it works, still. It calms him down, makes him instantly calmer and more at ease, puts him to sleep within minutes and he's only nursing maybe fifteen minutes, total, all day and night long. That's nothing, really, and while I'm still hoping that he'll stop before the baby comes, I'm letting go of trying to control that. He'll stop when he's ready - I haven't gone this far down the road of nursing him to stop cold turkey.

Marc and I are doing sunshiney well - had our last marriage check up last night and it turns out that we are stunningly happy together. It was actually great to go and get that kind of feedback, to learn specifically the ways that we are different and how we support and encourage the other in being who we need to be. I'm so lucky to have him - I can't imagine doing this without him.

In baby news - all is great. Baby is still making me sick as a dog on a consistent basis, and I've felt it move three or four times. I know it's crazy early - but I figured out last night, how those early smiles, everyone says are just gas, but you KNOW it's your baby smiling at you??? Same thing. And this isn't gas, it's my little baby bean moving his/her new elbows and knees :-). We're still struggling with names, the boys name will definitely be Benjamin and the girls one - well, we're debating. I'm leaning towards Julianna, Emily or Meghan. Marc's okay with Emily, hates Julianna and Jessie's really liking Meghan. But I think Meghan Cohen sounds kind of odd... luckily we still have thirty one weeks to decide :-)

High Holidays - and is it possible I feel the baby moving at nine weeks?

Rosh Hashanah was this weekend, and it went exceedingly well. Friday night, we had dinner at one of Marc's aunt's houses, Saturday morning, we went to services, went to a party at a different aunt's house, and then hit another aunt's house for Saturday night. Yesterday, we did services again, and then a quiet afternoon - we ordered pizza and hung out for a while, and then I went down to my mother's house for a girls only visit.

Services went great - this was the first year I'd actually participated in them, last year, I was kind of trapped in the child care room. One thing that struck me as odd was that there was an actual police presence at the synagogue. Which is normal, I guess, but it really made me feel somewhat unsafe - like, really, is the threat of people coming to attack a synagogue so great that they feel compelled to station police right outside for the entire day? How scary is that?

I really enjoyed Marc's family parties as well - his family is so psyched about the baby coming - I love it. My family is a little reserved about it - I think mostly they're wishing that Becky had gotten pregnant instead. Not that they aren't happy for me, but... I don't know, it's not as big a deal for my side of the family - Marc's side is just all the way thrilled at the prospect of another baby. Maybe my family is just worn out with new babies - we're a lot more prolific, so to speak, this will be the 12th grandchild for my mother, and I think the 23rd or 24th great grandchild.

Anyone else felt the baby move ridiculously early? I know it's usually closer to 12 or 13 weeks, at the earliest - but I swear to God, I've felt it twice now. It's very minor - but feeling the baby move is a pretty distinct feeling, and it's not gas.

First ultrasound

It's just magical - and it doesn't matter that it's the fourth time I've seen it, that little heart pounding away just takes my breath away. My first OB appointment was today, and everything looks wonderful. I have a little bean shaped baby, with a little heartbeat and I've spent all day on the verge of tears, because it's so incredibly amazing to me, and I'm so in love with the thought of my baby. I saw a mom walking with a five or six month old today, and started crying in the car. I've got names picked out, and alternately call the baby either Benjamin or Julianna, depending on my mood. I can't wait - just for all of it. The next appointment, the first kick, the first big ultrasound, every last little bit of this pregnancy and then having this tiny baby in my arms. I'm so thrilled about it - it's as exciting as it was every other time, but just that much better. The first pregnancy was so amazing, and when I miscarried, it was just devastating. Jessie's pregnancy was clouded by the grief, I spent a lot of the first trimester grieving the twins, and then was so afraid of losing her - I didn't believe until she was in my arms that it would really happen. Then with Sam - I knew how wonderful having a child was, but was so worried about how Jessie would react, would she be okay, would she feel left out and abandoned? But with this one - I've been down the road, so to speak. I know that the chances of carrying this baby to term are so high, especially now that I've seen the heartbeat, the morning sickness and nausea is so intense - I know that this is a happy, healthy baby. And I've seen Jess adjust to having a new baby, I know how much joy and happiness and satisfaction he brought to her, how thrilled she was to be a big sister, and how much having Sam has enriched her life. So I'm much more confident about Sam's reaction to a new little one. Plus, this is probably my last baby. I don't think we'll do this again - so everything is that much sweeter because of it.

I'm so happy - just so incredibly blessed and amazed and delighted.

Bright, beautiful morning

And I'm feeling pretty good today - took some anti-nausea meds yesterday, and apparently, still feel the effects. I still feel pregnant, but don't feel the overwhelming need to run for the bathroom either. The medication made me out of my mind tired, to the point where I fell asleep around four while the kids watched television and literally went to bed before Sam did. I gave him a snack, put on a recorded show for him, and told him to just come to bed when he was tired. I don't know that I can take it again, unless it's on a day when Marc's home because I really couldn't function, I was so tired.

Busy, busy, busy today and the next several days. Today I've got Harrison and Sam (they're so cute together) and then I've got to take the car this afternoon, run to Target to get tights for Jess, drop the kids off at Sara's, pick up Marc and run to Jessie's Open House. Tomorrow - I've got my first doctor's appointment - YAY - then to Jessie's school to cover lunch, then Jessie's dance class tomorrow afternoon. Thursday should be pretty simple, and Friday morning, I've got to go to the synagogue, finish decorating the childcare room for the weekend, and then we've got dinner at Marc's aunt's house. Saturday at the synagogue, Saturday night at another aunt's house, Sunday at the synagogue and then we start next week :-)

Nausea and a very whiny six year old

That's pretty much my life these days. The morning sickness is kicking my butt on every level possible. It's just steady and constant and overwhelming. No cravings, just lots of food aversions. I'm huge, seriously ginormous. I didn't show at all until three or four months along with Jess, and I'm ashamed to admit that I don't remember when I started showing with Sam - but with this one - my goodness, I found out I was pregnant and instantly, my stomach pouched out and now I've got a seriously noticable baby bump. I love it :-).

The kids are both doing well - relatively speaking. Both of them ended up really sick on Thursday and Friday, fevers, coughing, sneezing and general yuckiness. By Friday night, they were both up and running around and seem to be fine now. Sam's still a bit fussy, and hoarse, and Jessie's got a serious tendency to emotional frailty, to put it nicely. Almost everything is cause for tears and hysteria and I'm almost at the end of my rope. To balance it, she's been so sweet and solicitious about the morning sickness - coming to curl up next to me after I throw up, and making sure that I've got water and even brought me ice cream after my latest bout of vomiting.

Sam - I've got to wean him. It's SO painful now, and he's so attached to it, I feel awful. He told me that the milk tasted "different" and I asked if it was yucky, and he smiled, patted my breast, and told me that it still tasted perfect to him. I've stopped nursing him at night (last night was the first night, and he cried, screamed, wailed, hit me, it was so hard - but after about ten minutes, he crawled up into my arms and let me rock him to sleep), and he and I have really limited the amount of nursing he does during the days. Yesterday, he didn't nurse once all day long - and he hasn't nursed since about seven this morning and it's almost three o'clock now.

Allergies, morning sickness, etc

We're all here, still good. I'm at seven weeks tomorrow - YAY - and very happy about it. I ended up nixing any sort of prescription medication for the nausea, as I realized that it would also increase milk production. Which is the exact opposite of what I want to do, and I tried the OTC remedy of Unisom, which resulted in a very sleepy mommy - and nobody wins there. I'm just going to suffer thru it - I had killer morning sickness with both Jess and Sam and survived that, this one won't kill me either. It just feels like it. Jessie is home sick - the ragweed is kicking her butt, and poor Sammy is coughing and sneezing as well. Between the nausea and my own allergies - we're kind of a wreck here - but wanted to check in and just let everyone know that all is well in my world - sick, but overall well :-)

Will post again when we're all feeling better - send us some healthy thoughts, okay?

This baby is kicking my butt

Maybe I'm just too old for this. I feel wretched. A lot. Spent most of Saturday in the labor and delivery wing, hooked up to IV's, rehydrating. Isn't that a lovely word? Rehydrating. I love it. I've got a couple of kick ass bruises, but haven't thrown up since Saturday morning. I had reached the point where I couldn't keep anything down, and had a killer migraine on top of it. I'm managing to stay on top of the vomiting by seriously EATING ALL DAY LONG. Every hour or so, I have a little something. Sometimes I stretch it out, go an hour and a half, but for the most part, I start to feel the nausea and have to force myself to eat before I start heaving.

I'm huge, and tired, and sick and still oh my goodness, thrilled to death about this pregnancy. It's so STRONG. I feel so profoundly aware of my role as a pregnant mom. I was thinking that it would be hum drum, just average. After all, I've done this already several times, I've got two active children I'm running around afterwards. I planned on sailing thru this pregnancy, no problem, popping the baby into a sling (or the Ultimate Baby Carrier - which Becky gave me over the weekend) and going about my life. But this pregnancy has totally taken me by surprise. It is, hands down, the one thing I think about the most simply because when I don't - when I start to feel sick and ignore it, I end up getting so disasterously sick that I have to go to the hospital to recover.

In other news... had a delightful weekend, after the hospital stay (and even that was great - I got a nice long nap, got to listen to a mom across the hall deliver a baby), we went down to a cookout at Marc's cousin's house. She lives down by the ocean and it was beautiful down there. Then we went to the Grist Mill in Sudbury yesterday - saw the Martha Mary chapel and the little red school house where the Mary had a little lamb poem was inspired. Then we went to my cousin's house for another cookout. Today, we did absolutely nothing - the whole morning, I sat on the chair or the couch (I switched it up for variety every couple of hours) and watched Disney movies with Jess all day. Sara and Arlen came over with my little Jordyn, and brought ice cream. After they left, the kids were a little stir crazy, so I brought them to the park, stopped at the grocery store, came home, threw them into the bath, and fed them. Marc's reading stories, and I'm just waiting until he's done to put Jessica Mary to bed :-)

Holy Moly, am I pregnant!

How do you know you're pregnant? Other than the obvious... it's when the smell emanating from a bag of fruit loops is enough to send you running to the bathroom to vomit. When the stench of a bowl of cheerios makes you cry because you feel just that sick. All the time. I'm ginormous huge already - fear I'm either carrying twins or my body is just so used to being fat and pregnant, it just jumps to looking four months along once I got the positive test result. Which is totally unfair - Sam's three years old - you'd think it would have forgotten by now...

I'm so reassured about this pregnancy right now - I'm absolutely 100% having a baby - but my goodness, I'd like to not want to hurl for just a little bit. I've noticed a definite trend - I feel pretty gross when I wake up, have absolutely no appetite, around eleven, I force myself to eat something, feel better until about two thirty or so, and then get progressively worse until I actually vomit (as opposed to just the dry heaves that I have ALL DAY LONG). I puked last night around nine-ish, with Sam at my side - he was fascinated and felt much better afterwards. I haven't actually vomited yet this morning, but have come dangerously close several times.

Life changes

I had an Education Committee meeting last night at the synagogue. I joined last year, figuring that I'd like to be a part of planning and executing the kid's Hebrew education, and this was the third meeting so far that I've attended. The director wasn't able to attend, and had asked me to run it in her place. I'm also really involved in running the day care room this year for the High Holidays, coordinating activities and making sure that it's got coverage for the entire time.

The meeting went well - I still feel like I'm very much the junior member on the committee, not only because I just converted a couple of months ago, but also because I'm physically younger than most of the group. Then all of the group, honestly, and it felt weird last night to be the one in charge.

I was driving home last night, feeling the waves of nausea (because holy moly, morning sickness is definitely a factor for me now) and kept thinking about high school and the girl I used to be. Okay, yeah, I was listening to music that we used to sing along to back then and I got all misty and teary eyed, thinking about the way my life used to be and how much everything is different now. The priorities I had, the things I wanted to do, the ways in which I've changed. I love where I am - and if you'd asked me twenty years ago if this was where I wanted to be, I'd have been blissfully happy to know that at 35, I'd be happily married, staying at home with my three year old, my daughter attending first grade and newly pregnant with my third baby.

It still feels like such a far road that I've traveled to get here. It's not just the Jewish thing - although that's a really big change. I've always been really interested in spirituality, and it's not that I'm more so now, but now I've got a framework for it all that makes so much sense to me. I've lost friends over the years, I've stopped caring about things that used to really matter to me. I've got new friends now, new routines and new customs. Even though so much of my life has changed, my hometown is different, I don't see my family anywhere near as often, I still feel like that same sixteen year old girl, who loved Christmas and sunshine and fairies, who wanted so much to have a stable, happy home and a beautiful family - and I've acheived so many of my dreams.

I don't even know exactly what I'm trying to say here, I'm sorry this is so disjointed and confusing. I'm hormonal, obviously, and sick and happy, so unbelievably happy about this baby and about my little girl, doing so well at school, and little Sammy, who's turning into such a big, smart boy and about what Marc and I have built together - we've really struggled, financially, and in many ways, still are. But I couldn't be here without him - and I'm so unbelievably happy to be here, right now, in this place - in my tiny little apartment with a thousand kids toys everywhere, crowded with books and stuffed animals and so much love and joy and utter satisfaction.

I love being pregnant. It's not just the obvious things - it's the tears, the sense of walking around so aware of how blessed and fortunate you are.

Morning sickness, brave boy, and my first grade girl

Starting with oldest to youngest :-)

Jessica Mary started her first day of school today. We switched her elementary school to Flagg Street, which is a REALLY good school. Big open fields to play in, great principal, involved PTO, and fabulous test scores. Plus my stepdaughters are attending there as well, so there's the added bonus of having her sisters there with her. Isn't she gorgeous? She's so big!

Sam climbed the super big snake thing yesterday at the playground. Jessie just did it for the first time over the weekend, and once Sam saw that Jessie could do it, he couldn't wait to try it. It was terrifying for me - he was eight or nine feet up in the air, and I was so freaked out - but doing my best not to show him that. He loved it - he kept yelling "I'm GREAT at dis!" "Dis is AWESOME!" and my favorite "I can see the WHOLE WORLD up here!" God help me as he gets bigger, I'm not prepared for this adventurous child.

And the morning sickness... it doesn't feel too intense yet. I'm used to throwing up all the time, with both Jess and Sam, it was pretty steady. This one is just a lot of low level nausea. I wake up with it in the middle of the night, dry heave a lot, but very little actual puking. I get worried, and then remind myself that I'm not yet six weeks pregnant, and it's still really early. It's a strong pregnancy, I know that, intellectually, but still worry. Another seven weeks to go until the blessed second trimester!

Michelle Duggar is having her 19th child

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so fascinated by this - but I am. Nineteen children... can you imagine? And yet, I'm insanely jealous. I think this is probably my last pregnancy, I'm thirty five, Marc's already 40. The kids are getting bigger, we're running out of room as it is. Lilli will be 11 years older than this baby. There's lots of logical reasons why this is probably the end of child bearing for me. But I hear about her having another baby and am all happy for her.

I don't like the first trimester. I LOVE being pregnant, love feeling the baby move, love the morning sickness (I do, actually). I love the cravings, the smiles from people on the street, I love going to the OB and hearing the heartbeat, I love having to watch what I eat, make sure I get enough water. I walk around feeling magical. Like I'm literally made with fairy dust, somehow so much more than I was before. I love the shape of my body, I love the way maternity clothes look. I love everything about it - except for the first trimester. If I could just fast forward to where I knew that it was a viable pregnancy, if I could just skip ahead to Week 14, I'd be very pleased with myself right now.

Last day of summer vacation - and I'm missing my girl already. I'm making chocolate chip cookies and popping popcorn for Jessie's snack, and packing her backpack and getting clothes ready.