I watched an episode of "Lie to Me" the other day. Granted, I'm way behind on it, so the show probably originally aired a month ago, but there was one particular line that I've been thinking about ever since. The plot of the show was basically that there was this woman who had somehow been sucked into this New Age-y, create your own reality, visualize the reality you want and you can make it sort of cult. Which isn't really that relevant to what I'm saying - but there was this one scene where a woman was defending the thought process behind it, how it was a matter of changing your life to accept only the positive, the highest good.
It was all sort of familiar to me, not that I have a lot of experience with cults, but the whole New Age spiritual belief system is something that I'm pretty fluent with. I converted to Judaism after a long process of moving from Catholicism to Wicca to general paganism to a cobbled together sort of spirituality that I had made up that was sort of a combo of everything that actually correlated really nicely with Judaism. I'm getting off track here, obviously, but the point I was making was that there was a time in my life when I believed whole heartedly with all of that. That changing your life was essential, that in order to achieve your highest self, you had to undergo this spiritual transformation, that you had to recognize the unhealthy ties and cords connecting you to disfunctional relationships and be able to move beyond that into a higher, more evolved self.
But I realized that I don't believe that any more. I don't want to change my life. I don't want anything more than what I have right now. This marriage, these children, this life. My only wish, my only hope is just for more of this. Time to watch my kids grow, time to raise this family, time to spend with Marc, just... this. I want exactly what I have. Right here, right now. I don't want to exist in stasis, I want to move on, I want Jessie to get bigger, for Sam to start school, for Julie to start crawling. I want to move on - but move on with all of this. I love my life. I love my family, my husband, my daughters, my son, my stepdaughters. My friends, my extended family (those who are still talking to me, at least). I love this. Right here, right now, this is exactly what I always wanted. And if I'm very lucky, I'll get to have this for the rest of my life.