How has being a mother changed you?

I stole the idea from Beth's blog (http://notabowinsight.blogspot.com/). When I read hers, it made me think of how much my life has changed and how much I've changed since having Jess seven and a half years ago. And how much Sam, and then Julie have influenced me, my choices, the way I handle things. I'm not the kind of mother I always thought I'd be, I'm both stricter and more relaxed than I anticipated, and my life has taken turns and changed me in ways I wouldn't have believed. I'm much more selfish now, about my time, my emotional energy. I feel like my kids, my marriage have supplanted so much of who I used to be. People I used to drop everything for either adjusted to the change, or dropped out of my life entirely.

I'm a lot more relaxed about parenting than I would have thought. Most of that is Sam, I think. I had to become that way, or I would have died of a heart attack before he was a year old. He'd crawl on top of everything, jump off of furniture, he was so much more physically assertive than Jessie was. I get angrier than I would have thought I would, sometimes Jessie's temper tantrums can push my buttons faster than I would have thought possible. I'm smug (hopefully just in my own head) about how smart and gorgeous and funny and kind my kids are. And mortified and embarassed by their behavior - in my own head, I feel like everything they do and say is a reflection on how I'm raising them. Intellectually, I know that their personalities are their own, and there's only so much of it that I can be blamed for or take the credit - but deep down inside, I think I have the ultimate ability to influence their behavior, and when they fight or scream or misbehave, I blame myself.

Jessie changed the way I interact with so many people. She was (and still is, along with her brother and sister and their dad) the most important thing to me. What's best for them became my litmus test when it came to making decisions. Not all the time, but most of the time. Jessie is the reason for that. Having her changed the way I dealt with the world. If I didn't make her the top priority, nobody else would. And she deserves that. Jessica made me selfish, made me protective of my time and emotional energy, Jessie taught me to say no to things/people who wanted me to drop everything and help them. She copies so much of my personality, she taught me to be aware of what I was saying and what I was doing, because she's learning how to be a woman by watching me.

Sam made me patient. Sam taught me to trust my kids, to give them space to figure things out. He taught me that by letting go a little bit, I give my kids the freedom to fall, to get up again and learn to do things. He forced me to relinquish control. He made me feel needed in a way that I hadn't been before, by nursing for three plus years, and defending that choice to everyone. Sam taught me, in a way that I couldn't have understood before having a son, how incredibly important his daddy was in raising him. Jess was and is a Mommy's girl, but Sam needs, wants and worships his dad in a way that's unique to him, and I'm forever grateful that Marc is the man that he is.

My Julie - my tiny baby girl. I'm more relaxed about her. I've learned enough to know that mothering is a lifestyle, that every little choice isn't that critical. That's it's okay to trust my instincts, it's okay to throw out the advice and rules about parenting - it's perfectly okay to not have a crib for her, to wear her, to nurse on demand. She's so much easier, in so many ways. She doesn't have the health problems that Sam did, with reflux and colic. She's not my first baby, so I feel like I know what I'm doing now. I'm enjoying her babyhood so much. I'd say that Julie is teaching me to live in the moment - to enjoy every second of it.

I've learned that pacifiers can be a lifesaver, that nursing is something that's so incredibly worth fighting for. I've learned that cosleeping is the only way to go. I've learned that there's nothing more important than reading to your kids, and that making them hate you is sometimes necessary. I've learned that it goes by so fast, and that this is a time in my life that I'll never get back. There will be time for all the things that I'm NOT doing now, time for college classes and lots of grown up girl time, time for sleeping late and morning sex. There will, please God, be a time when my living room will stay clean for more than ten minutes at a time. I've learned that a marriage is more than falling in love, it's a hard, hard thing to do sometimes, but so incredibly worth it. That having a partner in life, not just for parenting, but for everything, makes it so much easier. I've learned independence, I've learned about strength and about tenderness and hugs and kisses and so much joy and love.

I wouldn't trade the last seven years for anything - and thank God for them every day. And if I'm very, very lucky, I'll have another eighteen years or so of raising these kids, and then I'll get some gorgeous grandchildren. And every minute that I'm not out having grown up girl time, morning sex, or taking college classes, I'll spend with them :-)

Seriously???

Yes, I'm channeling various Grey's Anatomy characters. I've been watching that while I nurse and/or pump because I can't really hold the hard cover books I've been reading lately easily while holding the baby or the the pump. I'm also considering renaming this blog - "The on-going saga of trying desperately to nurse my third child."

Let me just recap - I started out FINE. She latched on well, everything worked perfectly. Until the third day, when she randomly stopped nursing. Because we were dealing with jaundice, I had been told to nurse her non-stop, and after eight hours of her not nursing at all, I was a hysterical mess and ended up giving her formula. That Sunday remains the day that will live in infamy for me, and for really, anyone who saw me that day, because I cried. All.Day.Long. It was awful, I was devastated at the prospect of not nursing, felt like a miserable failure of a mother, sure that my baby girl wouldn't love me the way the other two did. But we soldiered on, I got some nipple shields, she figured out that she had to nurse or not eat, and we did okay.

Less than a week later, I think, I realized that she had thrush. Then I got thrush. The medication the pediatrican prescribed worked for her, but not for me, and nursing (on the left side) became incredibly painful. So I got an rx for diflucan. Cleared it up, and it seemed to be pretty good, at least on the really painful side, so I figured it would be okay.

Only then I ended up with a crack in my nipple. I thought it was thrush coming back, so I went into see the doctor, and he said 'nope, that's just a crack, suck it up.' So I did. Back to the nipple shield, lansinoh, and pumping. Three weeks later, it wasn't improving at all, and back to the doctor we went. Only now, I've got multiple fissures, and a staph infection. So I started on an antibiotic, and kept using the shield and pumping.

This morning, I woke up with a yeast infection - caused by the med for the staph infection, caused by the crack that was caused by the thrush. And this time, the doctor I called told me that I'd have to stop nursing for 24 hours because the diflucan isn't good for the baby. Since I've taken it before and not had that warning, I went to the internet to see what I could find about it, and after reading the symptoms of thrush, realized that I've probably got it back on that one nipple. The dryness, flakiness, redness, extreme pain... And I'm just floored. Seriously? Thrush? A-freaking-gain? Are you kidding me? This is now just ridiculous. Just to review - she's just over two months and I've been rollercoastering from nursing strike, to thrush, to cracked nipple, to numerous cracks, to staph infection, to yeast infection and back full circle to thrush. I'm so not even a little bit amused.

But on the upside - at least she's fully breastfed, right?

always surprising

How messy a living room can get in so short an amount of time. I keep trying to tell myself that I've got a very little living space with a lot of children - and it's natural and normal that it should be messy. That it's more important to spend time cuddling my baby girl, or playing trucks with my boy child, or reading to my big girl than to worry about whether or not the Uno cards are scattered all over the floor. But the problem with that is that a messy house makes me crazy. If I could have a maid who scurried along behind the children cleaning in their wake, then my life would be blissful.

But alas, there's just me. So the obvious solutions are to either resign myself to being that maid, teach the children to clean up after themselves, or get used to living in a pigsty. I vacuum frequently, and the dishes and laundry are done several times a day (folding and putting away is another story). But there are toys every freaking where, and that's despite having cleared out a whole bunch.

In other news... other than living in squalor, my little family is healthy and happy and content. Jess is finishing up her first week at summer camp - she gets swimming lessons twice daily, art classes, Israeli culture classes and apparently, they make her climb a ladder periodically for reasons that she can't explain to me. Sam got brand new Justice League underwear today - which is great, because he's developed the habit of taking off his underwear everytime he goes to the bathroom. So, if I want to keep him dressed, I almost have to go thru three or four pairs of underwear daily. I exaggerate a little, but not much, because he tosses them into the corner of the bathroom or hides them under the couch, and I'm not sure if they're clean or dirty and when it doubt, I just get him a new pair. And since I wash clothes all the time, but rarely fold and put them away, he's always got lots buried in the laundry basket and not sitting in his dresser waiting for him. So six new pairs in the rotation will definitely help. We've made a deal - he has to wear at least underwear when there are other people here. When it's just us, he can run around naked. This is a good compromise - he'd rather be naked non-stop and I'd rather he be dressed all the time. Julianna was not in the mood to sleep last night, just wide awake at eleven o'clock, so we sat up and watched Grey's Anatomy reruns again. She's such a little love, all cooing and smiling and sweetness.

My staph infection and "multiple fissures of the nipple" are not doing well. I'm going on my second month of dealing with this, it started at the beginning of June (May having been taken up with a nursing strike followed a week later with thrush). I'm taking my medicine, using the lansinoh, and it still hurts unbelievably. I really think I'm going to just always have to have the shield and/or pump on that side. The other side is doing great, nursing is pain free, and thank goodness, I've had no problems with supply - Julianna is growing like a little weed, she's so big :-)

Hmmmm

Not too much to write about at the moment. Normally, I'm bubbling over with topics, but lately, not so much. Anyone have any questions? Any ideas? Feel free to comment or send me an e-mail with topics - I could obviously use some inspiration.

Status updates...

Marc is doing well, not liking his job lately, but then again, he hasn't liked it for a while now, but still keeps showing up :-) His diabetes is basically under control, he's on a new work out schedule, he's going to the gym every other day, and while I still hate it, I have to reluctantly admit that it's definitely working. He's losing weight and seems to be happier. Not that he's ever miserable, my husband is an uncommonly cheerful man, but it does help to keep him that way.

Jessica is in the middle of her first day of camp. And in classic Jessie style - is alternately hating and loving it. She's getting so grown up, all long legs and big eyes, and I'm fascinated, watching her mature and grow into herself.

Samuel is also growing so fast. He's starting preschool in the fall, and can't wait. I worry that it'll be hard for him, going without me. He's been my buddy for so long, and I'm wistful and sad, just a little bit, that he's growing up so fast.

Miss Julianna is so big. So literally big. She's grown so fast and is so gorgeous. Heartbreakingly beautiful, I love her little face when she's asleep, I could watch it for hours. She's cooing and smiling and awake for longer and longer every day. I can't remember life without her, it feels like she's been here forever.

I love summer

We had the loveliest weekend. Which I so needed after Friday. Let me back up a bit.

Jessie got out of school on Tuesday. Wednesday, she had a playdate in the afternoon, and then my mother picked her up. She spent the night at my sister's house (staying up far too late watching - ironically - Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen) and then spent the whole day at the lake with my mother and three of her cousins. I picked her up that night at my mother's house, along with two of my nieces and by the time we got home and them settled into bed, it was really late again. Friday, I had several thousand extra children here - and Jessie had just reached the limit of how much she could handle. Over stimulated, over tired, whatever applicable excuse I could come up with - she was beyond epically miserable. She cried, almost non-stop, for three hours in the middle of the day. (She finally pulled it together around two, just in time for Sam to start sobbing). She was just wrecked. At one point, I was outside with all the other kids and she was inside, crying. We live on a dead end street on a second floor apartment, and she was standing at the window, sobbing and gazing down at us. I went in to get freeze pops for the kids, and tried to coax her into joining us. She looked up at me, with tears streaming down her face, eyes all swollen, and told me that she knew I didn't love her, I used to say she was one of my favorite children, but I'd been faking it for seven years and she knew the truth now. She was so earnest and so devastated, but on the same hand, so unnecessarily dramatic that I just had to laugh. I gave her a hug and lugged her down and she snuggled with me for a while. Friday was Marc's gym day, and by the time he got home, I was so tired and the house was not pretty. Jessie had cried herself to sleep, and I hate having to do that do her, but really, she was so exhausted that there was nothing else I could do but send her to bed and let her sob until her eyes finally shut. Julie was doing the non-stop nursing and Sam, God love Sam, he needed a bit of attention too. It's hard when I'm home alone with three kids, especially when one (or two) are demanding 100% of me. Someone always gets the shaft, and then I'm overwhelmed and guilty.

But Saturday was delightful. We stayed home in the morning and cleaned, and then picked up Lilli and Sarah and headed down to the State Pool in Clinton. Julie needs to stay out of the sun, so for the most part, Marc took the kids into the pool and I sat in the shade with the baby. This may be the best year ever for the pool, because Jess is old enough to swim without being held, and Sam would much rather be in the big pool with Marc than playing in the baby pool. Every other year, we've had at least one kid who wasn't big enough for the big pool, and kids who are too big for the baby pool. After we left the pool, we went out for dinner, and then home. Sunday, we did pretty much the same thing - only instead of going to the pool, we went to my mother's house. We hung out, had a cookout, sat in front of a little bonfire - it was wonderful.

Woo Hoo - staph infection :-)

I've never been so delighted to get a diagnosis. An actual diagnosis, and a nice rx to fix it. I started out with just one crack on my nipple three weeks ago, and it's been awful. And every time I talked to a doctor, nurse, ob/gyn, any sort of actual medical professional, they just said to suck it up -it's part of breastfeeding. But I KNEW it wasn't. Nursing isn't supposed to hurt. And by the time I went into the urgent care clinic last night, I had "multiple fissures" and a staph infection.

Confessions

- Two days ago, I actually went to the Honey Farms up the street in my pajamas. The worst part of it was that I didn't even realize it until after I'd walked back home.

- I worry sometimes that Jess has this incredibly stressful, complicated life, filled with pitfalls and potential disasters - because she spends so much of her time trying to convince me of the fact. I think most of the time that she's having a happy, healthy childhood but if I'm wrong and she's right... man, it's wicked hard to be her.

- I fantasize about cutting off all my hair, because I've been wearing it in a messy bun for the past two months and really, is it worth it to have long hair when it's just constantly bundled up on top of my head? The only reason I don't do it is because it would be too embarrassing to explain to the hairdresser that I need a cut that's not just low maintenance, but actually requires no more maintenance that to be washed and brushed out semi-occasionally.

- I used to start my day with a hot shower. Every. Single. Day. Could NOT imagine going without a shower daily. Sadly, am now at the point where I routinely go two days without a shower. Sometimes, even (gasp with horror inserted here) three. I don't like leaving Julie without an adult to watch her, she screams the entire time I'm in the shower, and Marc's just not home all that often.

- Every afternoon, right around this time, I get really bitchy and unhappy. Sometimes, most of the time, I connect it to the fact that I need my afternoon cup of coffee, but it's not unusual for me to get really grumpy for a period of time before I remember.

- Sam spends a lot of his time naked. And on my list of priorities, making sure he's got underwear on is way lower than a lot of things. Plus he's developed the habit of taking the underwear off entirely every time he pees, so even if I wrestle a pair on him in the morning, it's off by lunchtime. Which leads me to my next confession...

- I have rules that sound foolish but are totally dead on necessary in this house. For example, no going outside unless you're wearing underwear. You can't put cheerios in your underwear for storage. No, your genitalia does not require fresh air.

- I've been trying to read the fourth Harry Potter book to my poor girl child for three months now, and we're still only about three quarters of the way thru it. Every time I see the book on the floor, I feel guilty. Why can't I carve out a half hour every night to read to her? I don't seem to be able to pull it off more than once or twice a week, and that's awful.

- I'm not keeping track of anything with Julie. I exist simply on a "needs being met" sort of schedule. I feed her when she seems hungry on whichever breast hurts less at that particular time. I change her after every nap. I have no clue when she naps, she's not on any sort of predictable routine. My mother in law asked the other day what her normal nap time was - and I drew an absolute blank. Sometimes, mostly, she'll take a good morning nap, but not today. The whole rest of the day, she just nurses, naps, chills, nurses, naps, chills, over and over again. And any one of those things can last anywhere between five and fifty minutes.