Three kids

It's wonderful - really. I love having three children, I love each one individually, and together. My Angel Girl Jess, with all her empathy and passion, my Samilicious, with all his little boy rough and tumble and sweet little Sammy Snuggles, and my Julie, my tiny, adorable, squeeky little baby love. Separately, they are each amazing, but together? It's like my life is filled with these amazing blessings, and I still can't quite believe how lucky I am to have these three children. But holy moly, is it hard sometimes.

Julie had a rough day yesterday - she's started spitting up. And fussing. Sam's infancy was difficult, because he had colic and reflux and my memory of it is him crying constantly, unless he was nursing. And yesterday - I was really stressing about my poor baby girl, because she was nursing constantly, spitting up and fussy - thinking in the back of my mind that we might be starting down that path with her. Every time I put her down, she'd cry, and I wasn't able to do much more than just take care of her. Which is a problem, when you've got other children who also deserve time and attention. Poor Samilicious went to bed grubby, without brushing his teeth, because I just didn't have the time or ability to put him in the tub or supervise teeth. Thank goodness he's potty trained, because he went on his own, but slept in his shorts that he'd been wearing all day. And then he cried himself to sleep next to me because I was nursing the baby and couldn't soothe him effectively. I did slightly better with Jessica, because I was able to read Harry Potter to her while Julie slept on my lap, and direct her to put on jammies and brush her teeth and she could do that on her own.

I know this is just a particularly challenging time - and it'll pass fast. Too fast, because I'm going to miss this time - when I had my last little baby who needed me 24/7. But last night, I just felt so overwhelmed, I had burned dinner because I forgot I was cooking, Sam had eaten half a banana and scattered the rest of it all over the living room, opened two containers of yogurt and eaten half of each, Jessie needed a bath and her hair washed and there wasn't anything I could do about any of it. My breast was so engorged (I had started using the nipple shield on the really painful breast because I had reached the point where I just couldn't force myself to nurse her, the pain was excrutiating - but that meant that she wasn't fully emptying the breast), I couldn't pick Julie up and hold her without it hurting.

I just tried to meet the most immediate needs, which were feeding my baby, making sure Sam had shoes on before he went outside with the neighbor and in my spare time, slogging thru Harry Potter. I feel extra guilty about Harry - because Jessie LOVES being read to, and I used to be able to snuggle up to her and read and discuss it. And ever since Julie was born, she's lucky if she gets half a chapter every other day. And last night, I was stuck in the rocking chair, with Julie asleep on my lap and wasn't even able to snuggle my big girl.

The guilt is at time overwhelming. I feel like I'm on the ball handling everything very rarely, and mostly feel like I'm playing catch up, and no matter what I do, someone is getting the shaft. Julie might fuss more than I want, Sam might miss out on a warm bath and some snuggles, and Jess might never learn who wins the Triwizard Tournament. I'm worry that I'm not the mother that any of them really need, because I'm spread so thin. Then I remind myself of how much they love each other, how Julie calms down instantly when Jessie coos at her during diaper changes, how Sam talks about his big sister Jessie when she's not here, and how Sammy likes to give Julie "little pats" to make her happy. It really is amazing and wonderful to see your children together, and know that you've created these bonds, or that you've started the seeds for your kids to build these bonds. Sibling relationships are endlessly complicated, I know that from personal experience, but I can only hope that my children love each other and trust each other - and that in the end, all the work, the guilt, and the stress will result in relationships with each other that bring them all joy and comfort and fun.

Your average, every day weekend

And things are a little different now, but not too much. We had all the kids here on Saturday and by that, I mean that I had my three, plus my stepdaughters, Lilli and Sarah. Then our friend Arlen and his daughter Jordyn stopped by - I've been watching Jordyn since she was ten weeks old and she's one of Sam's best buddies. We had my friend Annie's daughter Glennys here as well, and Harrison and Julia came over last night. Busy, busy, busy. But the kids had a wonderful day, they played outside for the longest time, and then came in and played Wii and barbies and superheros. It occured to me that they really do have a pretty great childhood, and will no doubt have wonderful memories of hanging out at our house on long, lazy Saturday afternoons.

I went to bed last night with my girls - Julianna nursed to sleep in bed, and Jessie came and crawled up against me while I nursed it. It was wonderful - and I loved having them both there with me. Every now and again, I still look at Julie and say a silent thank you that she's outside of my body and not in it. As much as I loved the idea of being pregnant, the reality really wasn't that much fun. I like it so much more now ;-).

Nursing is going a LOT better. It still hurts like someone is stabbing needles into my nipples (how's that for an analogy?), but I've learned coping mechanisms (lamaze breathing, and I count too) and usually before I reach thirty or forty, the pain has lessened enough so that I'm not ready to kill myself. I still dread latching her on the left side, but it's getting better, and the right side is perfectly normal. And I always remember how terrible it was just two weeks ago, when I didn't think she'd ever nurse, and then when I was afraid I'd have to use the nipple shield forever. We're so much better now than we were, as a nursing team, so I can only assume that we'll continue to improve.

Marc is over at his parents right now, moving furniture - and without being asked, he took Sam with him. Which is such an enormous help for me. He's been wonderful all weekend, doing the dishes and cooking and really staying on top of the kids. I forgot how much sheer work a newborn is - just in terms of time spent nursing and burping and changing - having him home makes such an incredible difference. Plus he just lights up around the kids - I've never seen a man who LOVES his children the way that Marc does. He's happiest when all five are on top of him. I love that about him - not just for my sake, because it's wonderful to have someone love your kids as much as you do, but also for their sake. Growing up without a dad makes me appreciate having him so much more. I wonder if I had had an involved father, if I had grown up expecting it for my kids, if I'd be as grateful for it. But I grew up with a single mom, so I'm constantly blown away by how MUCH of a difference having a dad makes for the kids. And for me to have a partner, someone who's so completely on my team and shares my goals - it's truly so much more than I ever expected.

SEriously - remind me that I WANT to breastfeed this child

Because really - I DO. I do, I swear. The formula constipates her, gave her horrible gas. I love nursing. I'm not seriously thinking about giving up, but it's crossed my mind a couple of times (couple being a bit of an understatement). My left breast is super sore and now bleeding. I checked with some of my internet nursing buddies (thanks again JoEllen for the advice) and am hoping to work my way thru it, but nursing has been so much more of a battle this time around.

With Jess, she just latched on and went. Sometimes she'd fight the breast, but I could trick her with the pacifier and then whip it out and latch her on to get her to feed. It wasn't a problem with her. We had thrush, but it was just a little blip, no big deal. And she nursed great until she was about eight months.

With Sam - he was just a nursing champ right from the beginning. Always latched on, always nursed great. The first time he slept thru the night, I got mastitis, but it cleared up fast. I had a blocked duct once too, and thrush. But they both cleared up quickly, and my biggest problem with him was oversupply because he nursed so consistently that I was making oceans more milk than he needed.

With Julianna - I feel like it's one battle after another. No sooner did I get her nursing than we get thrush and this time, it's so incredibly painful and I'm afraid that I'm going to end up with mastitis because I'm scared to nurse her again on the bleeding nipple.

It's a good thing she's so gorgeous and wonderful and sweet and I'm achingly in love with her. Because breast milk is best, and I want that for her and for me. I'm not missing out on this with her - she's my last little baby. We're GOING to have a successful nursing relationship - even if it makes me crazy getting there.

Stuffed animals

I've got several thousand. All of them were gifts, and all of them were loved intensely, but briefly. And they're taking up a ton of space and never get played with. But I can't quite bring myself to get rid of them. Even though I KNOW I should. Even though I KNOW that I have NO space in this tiny little apartment and can't afford to sacrifice space that could be put to better use by keeping a ginormous box of stuffed animals that never get touched.

I'm trying to talk myself into it, but it's hard because they were all gifts, and they were all passionately loved for at least a little bit. I should limit it to five or six per kid, and get rid of the rest, right? Especially because I've got a new baby, and she's going to be collecting her own stash of them soon enough.

Settling in

I feel like me again. Marc told me over the weekend that he felt like he had gotten his wife back, and I think he's right. Between the pregnancy and the first week home with Julianna, I was not myself for a while there, but now feel as though I'm waking up. If that makes sense. I can bounce out of a chair, I've got a lot more energy. I almost (not quite) fit into my old clothes, I smile so much easier and more often. I'm more in control of my life, feel as though I can fully handle the house, the kids, the marriage, etc. It's so much better than it was - I'm blissfully happy with this baby girl, and still can't believe how lucky I am.

Julianna has completely gotten over her nursing issues. We haven't used the nipple shields in several days, and she's started nursing in bed at night with me, which means that I'm getting so much more sleep than I was at first. We are dealing with thrush - but the medication is making a huge difference for her, her little mouth looks so much better. I'm still in some serious nursing pain, but called my OB today for a stronger rx because the liquid the pediatrician prescribed for both of us is obviously working only for the baby. She's sleeping better at night as well, longer stretches, it's not unusual for her to go four hours or so at a time. I nurse on demand, so she eats a ton during the day and less at night, which I LOVE. She's a very calm, peaceful baby. She fusses only when she's hungry, needs a change or a burp, and sometimes she's start to fuss if she's a little over stimulated. The kids ADORE her, and I can't tell you how many times I've chanted "She's not a doll, please leave her alone and let her sleep." When she gets a little fussy, literally all I have to do to calm her is to pick her up, once she's in my arms, she stops immediately. She also calms down when I plop her on Marc - just removing her from the kid activity is enough for her to gain back her equilibrium.

Jess has another bout of strep. She came home from school yesterday crying with a fever and a red throat, so back to the doctor's we went. And got a stronger rx, hopefully this will clear it up entirely. Sam is doing great, doesn't seem to have thrush or strep, which puts him light years ahead of his sisters, health wise.

I'm good - I'm relaxing into this new phase of my life, with three kids. It's still an adjustment and I still struggle sometimes trying to balance out time for everyone, but it's getting easier - and there's something so magical about watching all three of my kids together.

Somehow - we're just complete now

She's not even eight pounds yet (although back to her birth weight according to the doctor's scale today - YAY for breastfeeding), but somehow Julianna just completed the family. It feels perfect now. I don't know that it felt as though she was missing before, but there's a different feel to it now. I spent the whole day with Marc and the kids, and it was the nicest Mother's Day that I can ever remember.

Julianna let me nurse her in bed last night for the first time, and it was so perfect. So instead of getting up at three o'clock for an hour or so, I just latched her on and we both fell back to sleep. She's still up every two hours to nurse, but I went to bed at nine and slept until 11, was up until just after midnight, slept until three, latched her on and went back to sleep. Then we got up around five for an hour or so, and then went back to bed until NINE. It was literally awesome - I got so much sleep, it's 8:21 p.m. and I'm still coherent and pleasant.

Marc and Jess brought me breakfast in bed and then my in-laws came over for brunch, and we had Lilli and Sarah here as well. Marc made everyone omelets and then everyone left and it was just the five of us. We took Julianna in for a quick appt with the pediatrician - I could see that it was thrush (and feel it whenever she nursed) and the doctor confirmed it. So we've got a nice rx for her, and then we went to Target to get Jess new shoes and some diapers, etc. Julianna slept in the sling and then we walked across the parking lot and got dinner.

After that, we just came home. All the kids got a bath, including Julianna's first official in the water bath. And her hair is delightfully fluffy. Marc's been relaxing and playing on the Wii, and the kids had a nice, peaceful, relaxing sort of afternoon. I did a little housework, some dishes, some laundry, but mostly I just sat and read and rocked and nursed and it was lovely.

I feel so much better, so happy and so peaceful.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

It takes guts and brains to be able to handle four children under the age of six before you're thirty. It takes all of that, plus so much more to do it as a single parent. I have three children, and a completely involved loving husband and there's a lot of the time when I feel completely overwhelmed. I can only imagine how my mother must have felt all the time. And somehow she managed to make us all feel safe and loved and like we were the most important thing in the world for her.

I hear her voice in the way I talk to my kids, see her smile on my daughter's face, and watch her sense of humor and irony develop in my son. I see her when Jessie snuggles her sister the way I snuggled mine, and hope that one day, my daughters will be the type of mother that she is. She's my best friend, my first morning call, my reality check and the woman I most hope to emulate.

Thank you, Mom, for all that you've done, for all that you do, and for the way you still inspire me every day to be a better mom for my children. Thank you for coming over when I was sick and pregnant and rearranging my house. Thank you for the nights when you take Jessica and paint her nails and make Mickey Mouse pancakes and let her stay up far too late. Thank you for the tickling Sammy and trying so hard when he was such a crabby, colic-y baby who cried every time you looked at him. Thank you for getting up at the crack of dawn to be with me when I was induced and sitting beside me when I gave birth to Julianna. Thank you for all the cupcakes and coffee and flowers and fun that you've bring into my life and the lives of my children.

I love you so much, Mom. I couldn't ever imagine my world without you.