Is there anything more amazing than a tiny baby? With huge eyes, a little pointed chin and a look of perpetual confusion on her face? She's alternately confused or indignant, with the sweetest little smiles and coos sprinkled in between. I can't stop holding her and have to talk myself into putting her down to sleep for her naps. At least once a day. Because really, it feels right that she be in my arms constantly. And if I'm not holding her, I'd rather her daddy be holding her, or her brother or sister. She's perfect in every way, so gorgeous it takes my breath away and fits so perfectly into the family, I can't imagine how it ever felt right without her. I looked at her this morning, laying between Jess and Sam on the couch and thought to myself - "oh I'd do this again in a heartbeat." All the nausea, the itching, the aches and pains, the tears and the irritability - it was all so incredibly worth it. And as much as I think that she's probably my last baby, intellectually, I think pregnancy is tough and it's hard to give each kid enough time and attention with three... it's hard to conceptualize never having another baby. Because this one is so wonderful - how could anyone not want to do this again?
I'm having a blissful day - yes, you guessed it, she slept for four solid hours last night and nursed really well this morning. That's really all it takes to restore me to wide awake happiness. Yesterday, I felt like I was in a fog all day, she had been up most of the night and was sleeping thru feeding and falling asleep every time I tried to nurse. But last night, she slept from 9-12, and from 2-6:30, and has nursed like a champ all morning. No nipple shield (although we used it off and on all day yesterday and last night). As much as I hate it, if she won't latch without it, she'll usually latch with it.
We're still figuring it out - with Sam, nursing was his end all, be all. If he fussed, the only thing that calmed him down was nursing. Because he didn't fuss, he screamed. And he'd always latch on, always. So that's my first instinct, and it's confusing to me that she doesn't always WANT to nurse. Sometimes she wants to be rocked, or snuggled up on my shoulder or just laid down on a blanket to contemplate everything.
Sam fell asleep last night at six thirty and slept thru the night until seven this morning. He's still my champion sleeper - and when he's tired, he simply crashes early and catches up on all that he's missed by staying up late to play with Marc. Yesterday, he was holding the baby with the boppy pillow. He held her for about twenty minutes, and then asked me to take her. I picked her up, walked to the couch and glanced over at him, and he had laid his little head down and passed out. So cute - and I envy him the ability to simply decide it's sleep time and do it. He gets it from Marc, and I so wish that all of my kids inherited that tendency.
Jessie went out with Yvonne yesterday afternoon, and came home after Sam fell asleep. She took a bath, played with her new webkinz, and snuggled the baby girl for a while. She's so funny - she just flat out ADORES this baby. It's the quickest way to get her up in the morning, and as long as I make sure that she gets some baby love in the morning, she's so much easier to get off to school. She fell asleep on the couch last night while I nursed Julie and slept thru the night as well - in her own bed. Major score there, as she's been in my bed most of the last week, simply because I've been too tired to put her to bed in her own room.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Happy Birthday Julianna!
One week old today - and I feel like it's been initiation by fire in a lot of ways. The breastfeeding battles have subsided, for the most part. Julianna's doing so much better, in terms of latching on. She's nursing every hour, or hour and a half, falling asleep at the breast each time. It's not perfect, not yet, but it's so much better - no constipation, no disgusting smelly gas - and I can't ever take it for granted, every single time she nurses, I'm grateful to whatever diety answered my desperate, tear soaked prayers that I be able to nurse her.
I'm still bleary-eyed and exhausted. All the time. I'm now at the point where I just doze off whenever I sit still long enough. I've given up on being able to read an entire Harry Potter chapter to Jess, I manage about half before falling asleep on her. But last night, Julie latched on while I was still in bed, so I'm hopeful that eventually, the night feedings will be simpler and less disruptive. At this point, I still get up and go into the living room, flick on the television and nurse her in there. But on the upside, I don't think I've ever been as up to date about current events, because I watch a ridiculous amount of news these days. The light is so bright at night, so I don't read, I just watch CNN.
The other two kids are adjusting fairly well. No resentment towards the baby, no aggression - they both appear to be fully in love with her. Jess believes with her whole heart that if she's home, there's no good reason that she shouldn't be holding her. In fact, if she's not holding her, she's pretty bitter about it. We've had some behavior issues, and at least one temper tantrum where she cried because nobody loved her anymore. But for the most part, she's been wonderful with her. She holds her and rocks her and coos at her, she's born to be a big sister.
Sam is also doing well - he never calls her anything other than Baby, which I think is adorable. He holds her at least once a day, but never for very long. He likes to coo at her, and gives her what he calls "little pats." But he's very proud of being a "big brudder" and tells strangers on the street about her. He's also been a little more prone to meltdowns over little things, but mostly he's been great about having her. From the very beginning, he just very gracefully sort of transitioned a lot of his needs over to Marc. He's very clingy with him, wants to spend all of his time with Daddy, not in a way that makes me feel like he's mad at me, but more like he's just very sensitive to the fact that Julie needs me now, and it's easier for him to get immediate attention from Marc.
All in all - it's been an incredible week. The hormone-soaked Sunday, where I sobbed just all day long, that was the day that I realized that I loved this little girl with all that I am, the same way I feel about my other kids. Having done this now three different times, for me, it's always a shock - how MUCH you feel. How suddenly, your whole world boils down to what your child is doing or feeling. If she's sick or unhappy or screaming like a mad woman at the prospect of nursing - it's devastating. And although I've bounced back in a lot of ways, gained some emotional equilibrium, I still feel very vulnerable re: Julianna. It really is like your heart is just out there, and it's so scary sometimes. She's so tiny, and so fragile - and I don't know that I'd survive without her. I'm constantly trying to balance out time for the other two, making sure that I've hugged and snuggled them enough, provide them with love and discipline, not to lose myself in this newborn baby love. I feel outnumbered now in a way that I wasn't before. With two kids, you can still mostly meet both their needs, maybe not 100% of them 100% of the time, but close to it. With three - it's a lot harder. With one of them being a nursing infant with feeding issues, it's close to impossible sometimes, and I'm beginning to think I'll just always being running slightly behind, trying to compensate for making them wait.
But I wouldn't trade this past week for anything. Having Julianna is everything I hoped it would be and so much more. I can't wait for the rest of her life - watching her, and the other two children grow and develop is making me happier than I've ever been. And I'm so blessed to have these children, and this husband - this life.
I'm still bleary-eyed and exhausted. All the time. I'm now at the point where I just doze off whenever I sit still long enough. I've given up on being able to read an entire Harry Potter chapter to Jess, I manage about half before falling asleep on her. But last night, Julie latched on while I was still in bed, so I'm hopeful that eventually, the night feedings will be simpler and less disruptive. At this point, I still get up and go into the living room, flick on the television and nurse her in there. But on the upside, I don't think I've ever been as up to date about current events, because I watch a ridiculous amount of news these days. The light is so bright at night, so I don't read, I just watch CNN.
The other two kids are adjusting fairly well. No resentment towards the baby, no aggression - they both appear to be fully in love with her. Jess believes with her whole heart that if she's home, there's no good reason that she shouldn't be holding her. In fact, if she's not holding her, she's pretty bitter about it. We've had some behavior issues, and at least one temper tantrum where she cried because nobody loved her anymore. But for the most part, she's been wonderful with her. She holds her and rocks her and coos at her, she's born to be a big sister.
Sam is also doing well - he never calls her anything other than Baby, which I think is adorable. He holds her at least once a day, but never for very long. He likes to coo at her, and gives her what he calls "little pats." But he's very proud of being a "big brudder" and tells strangers on the street about her. He's also been a little more prone to meltdowns over little things, but mostly he's been great about having her. From the very beginning, he just very gracefully sort of transitioned a lot of his needs over to Marc. He's very clingy with him, wants to spend all of his time with Daddy, not in a way that makes me feel like he's mad at me, but more like he's just very sensitive to the fact that Julie needs me now, and it's easier for him to get immediate attention from Marc.
All in all - it's been an incredible week. The hormone-soaked Sunday, where I sobbed just all day long, that was the day that I realized that I loved this little girl with all that I am, the same way I feel about my other kids. Having done this now three different times, for me, it's always a shock - how MUCH you feel. How suddenly, your whole world boils down to what your child is doing or feeling. If she's sick or unhappy or screaming like a mad woman at the prospect of nursing - it's devastating. And although I've bounced back in a lot of ways, gained some emotional equilibrium, I still feel very vulnerable re: Julianna. It really is like your heart is just out there, and it's so scary sometimes. She's so tiny, and so fragile - and I don't know that I'd survive without her. I'm constantly trying to balance out time for the other two, making sure that I've hugged and snuggled them enough, provide them with love and discipline, not to lose myself in this newborn baby love. I feel outnumbered now in a way that I wasn't before. With two kids, you can still mostly meet both their needs, maybe not 100% of them 100% of the time, but close to it. With three - it's a lot harder. With one of them being a nursing infant with feeding issues, it's close to impossible sometimes, and I'm beginning to think I'll just always being running slightly behind, trying to compensate for making them wait.
But I wouldn't trade this past week for anything. Having Julianna is everything I hoped it would be and so much more. I can't wait for the rest of her life - watching her, and the other two children grow and develop is making me happier than I've ever been. And I'm so blessed to have these children, and this husband - this life.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I'm making a list
I started writing down everything this child does. And even though I've only been doing it for half a day so far, it's already helped to set my mind at ease. With Julianna, I'm only as good as her last feeding - and the nursing sessions last night were really hard. She cried for almost an hour, arching her back and struggling to get away from the breast at one point, I cried right along with her. She nursed three times, and all three were miserable for both of us.
But this morning has been much better, and by writing it down, I can see and actually track how long, whether she uses the shield or not, how long she fights, wet versus messy diapers, etc. And really, it's not as bad as it sometimes seems. She's nursed three times since five o'clock this morning, two wet diapers, one messy - and each time she's nursed, she's latched on with minimal or no struggle, with the shield twice and once without.
I'm so sleepy - and just came in from sitting outside with the kids. Julianna dozed in the sling and Sam and Jordyn built a "campfire" out of leaves and sticks and then spent the next half hour sitting on it to protect it from the wind and talking about the marshmellows they wished they'd had. The sunshine is so gorgeous, and the street we live on is so pretty, with all the trees and the flowers. I feel a little sun drunk, you know what I mean? Between the sunshine and the lack of sleep, I'm in this bleary, confused, but happy state of mind.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Last two feedings with no nipple shield
I'm unbelievably thrilled - she still fights it, but she's nursing without the little plastic shield. I'm so happy :-)
Nursing battles - or how I learned empathy
I'm somewhat of a breastfeeding snob. I know this about myself, am not thrilled about it, but on the same hand, I nursed Sam for so ridiculously long and had such a hard time with most of my family, everyone thought I was insane for continuing. So I sort of earned the right to be a little defensive, a little "a good mother nurses her children." It's not nice, and I feel bad about it, especially after the past two days. I know now why a mother would quit breastfeeding, or stop trying. Because honestly? If I hadn't KNOWN how good breastfeeding is, how incredibly healthy, how awesome and amazing it is to know that you have that incredible bond, how simple it is once you get past the first few weeks - if Julianna had been my first, I'd have thrown in the towel absolutely - and thought I was doing what was best for her.
Julie latched on just after birth and was nursing GREAT until midnight on Saturday night. I put some lansinoh ointment on my nipples, because she was nursing for literally hours, and they were sore. When she woke up at three - she started screaming when I put her to the breast. Screaming. And this was my peaceful, calm baby - I had never heard her cry before. By six o'clock, I was sobbing, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. And it was complicated by the fact that she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight and the visiting nurse and the pediatrician (who demanded I bring her into urgent care to get checked after hearing how much weight she'd lost) stressed that everything would be okay - AS LONG AS I WAS ABLE TO NURSE HER AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. So when she started screaming thru feedings, refusing to latch on, I was panicking. And hormonal and miserable... I was devastated that she wouldn't nurse, what was wrong with this child that she wouldn't nurse? How would I be able to mother her, if my primary method of mothering was taken away from me? If I couldn't soothe her immediately, if I could be replaced by anyone with a bottle - how would she know that I was her mother at all? I know it sounds crazy - but that's where my head was. I cried all day long, as did she, because she was so hungry.
I gave her a bottle with two ounces of formula around noontime, because she hadn't eaten in twelve hours. And sobbed thru the whole thing. My milk wasn't in all the way, so pumping wasn't going well, plus I was so wrecked emotionally, I wasn't really in a position to pump anyway. I finally found someone from the LLL in the area (thank goodness for google) and she suggested that I try nipple shields. Because once Julie had the bottle, she LOVED it, and was that much more adamant that she wasn't going to latch on.
And they work - they do. But nursing is a constant struggle, she never latches on easily or without a fight. She hasn't had any formula since yesterday morning, and hasn't had a bottle either. After talking to the pediatrician, he confirmed that her weight was back to a good level, and he said to just stop offering bottles altogether and if she missed a feeding or two, it'd be okay - and that she might have to do that in order to get the message that it was breast or nothing.
But what I love most about nursing is how easy and simple and loving it is. And with Julianna, at this point (and I keep telling myself that she's only five days old, and it'll change), nursing is a battle, she cries and fights before latching on every time. I'm confident that we'll work thru it - and thank God that she's nursing now, and not getting formula (she was constipated for two days - and had the worst gas I'd ever smelled). But I know now why a mom would stop trying to nurse. And I never really understood that before. Because I could so easily make the argument that it just wasn't working with Julie, and I'd be at least half right. I'm going to get her back to nursing, we're already there, really. I would love to ditch the nipple shield altogether, but for right now, it works, and I'm not risking rocking this boat any time soon. But this was a battle I never anticipated - and it was really, really awful.
She's my girl though - and we're learning our way thru this together. I've learned that I can soothe her immediately not by nursing, but by putting her up on my chest and whispering in her ear. I've learned that I can power thru her crying - and that I'm the one who decides how to feed her, and I know that breastfeeding is best and she will eventually latch on. She usually fusses for less than ten minutes, but sometimes it's longer. She cried for an hour, off and on, earlier before finally conceding and nursing. But she loves me, and is content only when she's being held, and I know that she knows that I'm her mother. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was on Sunday (the day we now refer to within the family as "the REALLY bad day).
Julie latched on just after birth and was nursing GREAT until midnight on Saturday night. I put some lansinoh ointment on my nipples, because she was nursing for literally hours, and they were sore. When she woke up at three - she started screaming when I put her to the breast. Screaming. And this was my peaceful, calm baby - I had never heard her cry before. By six o'clock, I was sobbing, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. And it was complicated by the fact that she had lost more than 10% of her birth weight and the visiting nurse and the pediatrician (who demanded I bring her into urgent care to get checked after hearing how much weight she'd lost) stressed that everything would be okay - AS LONG AS I WAS ABLE TO NURSE HER AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. So when she started screaming thru feedings, refusing to latch on, I was panicking. And hormonal and miserable... I was devastated that she wouldn't nurse, what was wrong with this child that she wouldn't nurse? How would I be able to mother her, if my primary method of mothering was taken away from me? If I couldn't soothe her immediately, if I could be replaced by anyone with a bottle - how would she know that I was her mother at all? I know it sounds crazy - but that's where my head was. I cried all day long, as did she, because she was so hungry.
I gave her a bottle with two ounces of formula around noontime, because she hadn't eaten in twelve hours. And sobbed thru the whole thing. My milk wasn't in all the way, so pumping wasn't going well, plus I was so wrecked emotionally, I wasn't really in a position to pump anyway. I finally found someone from the LLL in the area (thank goodness for google) and she suggested that I try nipple shields. Because once Julie had the bottle, she LOVED it, and was that much more adamant that she wasn't going to latch on.
And they work - they do. But nursing is a constant struggle, she never latches on easily or without a fight. She hasn't had any formula since yesterday morning, and hasn't had a bottle either. After talking to the pediatrician, he confirmed that her weight was back to a good level, and he said to just stop offering bottles altogether and if she missed a feeding or two, it'd be okay - and that she might have to do that in order to get the message that it was breast or nothing.
But what I love most about nursing is how easy and simple and loving it is. And with Julianna, at this point (and I keep telling myself that she's only five days old, and it'll change), nursing is a battle, she cries and fights before latching on every time. I'm confident that we'll work thru it - and thank God that she's nursing now, and not getting formula (she was constipated for two days - and had the worst gas I'd ever smelled). But I know now why a mom would stop trying to nurse. And I never really understood that before. Because I could so easily make the argument that it just wasn't working with Julie, and I'd be at least half right. I'm going to get her back to nursing, we're already there, really. I would love to ditch the nipple shield altogether, but for right now, it works, and I'm not risking rocking this boat any time soon. But this was a battle I never anticipated - and it was really, really awful.
She's my girl though - and we're learning our way thru this together. I've learned that I can soothe her immediately not by nursing, but by putting her up on my chest and whispering in her ear. I've learned that I can power thru her crying - and that I'm the one who decides how to feed her, and I know that breastfeeding is best and she will eventually latch on. She usually fusses for less than ten minutes, but sometimes it's longer. She cried for an hour, off and on, earlier before finally conceding and nursing. But she loves me, and is content only when she's being held, and I know that she knows that I'm her mother. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was on Sunday (the day we now refer to within the family as "the REALLY bad day).
Monday, May 3, 2010
Love letter to Marc
I have much, much to post about, and no time yet to do it... but wanted to make this first one after Julianna's birth be for my husband. Not only because without him, I wouldn't have any of this - my beautiful Jessica, my sweet, sweet Sammy or this amazing baby girl who I already love so, so much. But because yesterday, I had one of the worst days of my entire life. Julie wouldn't latch on and suddenly, I was facing not being able to feed my baby, and I completely lost my mind. Could NOT stop crying, to say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. Breastfeeding is so incredibly important to me, it's such a big part of the way I mother, I couldn't conceive of NOT doing it, but Julie was really underweight and slightly jaundiced, and yesterday, it was critical that she NOT miss feedings. So we had to bottle feed with formula, because my milk hadn't come in yet (expect another lengthy post about that) and it was so incredibly hard for me.
And Marc was right there, all day. He supported me, he held me when I couldn't stop crying, he took care of my children, my poor Jessie and Sam who were so confused, they had never seen me like that, and poor Julie, who was so upset - I had never heard her cry the way she did yesterday. There were numerous occasions when all four of us were inconsolably sobbing - and if Marc hadn't been here, I can't imagine how we would have handled it. He was amazing - so thoughtful and supportive and loving and doing it all on very little sleep. I love you so much, honey, and I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much better you made yesterday - because of you, I was able to work my way thru the emotions and the hormones and the tears and the heartache.
And - after all that, Julie is latching on and nursing again, not all the time, but more and more. She's got some nipple confusion now, and on the advice of the LLL leader, I bought nipple shields which worked beautifully for the last feeding, so I'm really optimistic that we're done with formula. And now I've got three loads of laundry to do, lunch to eat, floors to vacuum and a little girl to love - but I'll try and post again soon - I have the BEST delivery story (two pushes, and I was laughing thru them).
On a side note - I HEART BABY WEARING. This little girl lives in her sling when she's not being held in someone's arms, and it makes my life so much better.
I'm so happy right now - I feel like my family is complete now, we're all here, and this baby is so beautiful and so perfect - and watching her with the kids and Marc makes me happier than I would have thought possible.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Gorgeous girl, crazy nursing problems, best delivery EVER, blissfully happy
Many, many posts to make, much, much to talk about - but no time to do it yet :-). Julianna is BEAUTIFUL, amazing, gorgeous, I'm completely in love a thousand times over. She was born at 2:01 pm on Thursday, after two pushes and the best labor and delivery I could have imagined. Seven pounds, eleven ounces, twenty inches long. We're working thru some nursing issues - turns out that she HATES Lansinoh lotion and has to coaxed back into nursing after I put it on last night. I'll post more very soon, and hopefully add pictures once I get to download the camera.
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