We did Sam's hair last night - and for the record, I did agree to it and even held him while it was happening. That being said, I sobbed for ten minutes afterwards. He looks SO BIG. All of a sudden, he's a little boy, he's not a baby anymore. His eyes look huge and he could pass for a three year old. He's talking a lot more now, just this weekend, he's added Sessie, Belle, and Sarah to his vocabulary, and his one sentence that's he's been muttering for a while has gotten a lot clearer, he can say 'that's funny' and you can actually understand it now. Everyone says it goes by so fast, but it REALLY does. He's this grown-up little boy child, and I still don't fully believe it. He looks SO much like Marc now - he's a mini-Marc with my eyes.
He's been nursing constantly lately. And it's starting to make me nuts. I'm trying to be patient and look at it as something he just has to get out of his system, but I'm so ready for it to be done.
Jess went off to preschool this morning, all grown up in a long dress with her hair in a bun. She's so gorgeous, I'm dreading her first day at school... when did my kids get so big?
Spent the whole day yesterday being Jewish - we left early in the morning to go to Mom's house, then brought the girls back for noontime, then went down the Chabad for the penis party. So glad we went, we were the only guests there... then we stayed for a while, picked up one of the rabbi's kids at a party, helped a couple of them with science projects and then met with the rabbi to discuss conversion.
All looks good on that front - I just have to find a rabbi to work with to formally convert, and our rabbi going to e-mail a bunch of names, the rabbi down there will vouche for me and I can study with him, but there's a formal Jewish court (I think it's three people) that I have to work with to actually get it done. And I have to do it officially, because otherwise, Jess and Sam might run into problems down the road if they want to get married in a Jewish synagogue. Much pressure....
Monday, March 10, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Stepmotherhood
It's an odd role - one that I didn't necessarily want, but didn't go out of my way to avoid it. When I first starting dating Marc, the girls weren't really a factor - spending time with them was something done by him on the weekends. It didn't influence me much more than I knew that Saturdays were my days to do stuff with other people, because Marc would be at Lisa's house with them. Even after I had Jessie, Lisa still wouldn't let the girls see her, and in fact, for the first eight months of her life, Jess was an only child in every sense of the world. I knew Marc had the girls, knew we were paying child support, but they were HIS girls, they weren't mine, and I didn't see that changing. Ever.
Eventually, Lisa caved, and started letting us see them, but it was sporadic, and we certainly couldn't be trusted to watch them on our own. Then we moved out of Marc's parent's house, and started taking them most Saturdays. Somehow it's grown so that we now have them all day, both days, every weekend. They've even started sleeping over, and I expect that'll continue and probably pick up in frequency.
And I've had a hard time adjusting. I think so, anyway. I have higher expectations of myself - I feel like it's a role that's a constant challenge to me, and that I'm nowhere near as good at it as I should be. Being a stepmother isn't something you can really prepare yourself for - despite all my efforts, reading books about it doesn't help, being an actual parent doesn't really help either, because you're not a parent to them. At least in this situation - I always feel so aware of the fact that I'm not their mother. I don't know their teachers, their friends, their doctor's. But I know what they like, what they don't like, their best and worst qualities, I know that Sarah won't eat sauce and Lilli will eat junk food until she throws up. I know that Sarah is less affectionate with Marc, but more cuddly with Sam, Lilli is the exact opposite.
Once I accepted the fact that they are a consistent presense - that the expectation is that we WILL have them, of course, all weekend, both days, all day - it's got a little easier. Before, I kept being surprised that we had them. Kept getting confused by Marc's insistence that they be here, because for such a long time, we didn't have them, or could only have them under controlled circumstances. I didn't switch gears quickly enough, and sometimes I resented all the togetherness.
When you have a child, it's instant, immediate. You just fall in love when you first hold that baby - and it just grows from there. When you have a stepchild, it's a whole different ball game. You're dealing with someone else's child, someone else's rules and odd little hang-ups. When they start whining and yelling and fighting, you don't have that instinctive love and understanding under it to cushion it. And it's hard - sometimes, it's so hard. To be fair, to be loving, to be the kind of stepmother I want to be, the kind I'd want my own children to have. And I still struggle with it.
But it is getting better. It really is. We've been together for six years, and for the girls, they've never known any different. I think it's easier for them than for me - they've got that bond with Jess and Sam and just sort of accept me as part of the package. We've started to get identified as a family, at the Chabad, at the YMCA, when we're out to dinner, etc. I've started saying just a blanket 'yes' when I'm asked if all four are mine - because they ARE. I may not have been there from the beginning, I may not know if they're up to date on their vaccines or when their next dentist appt is, but they are mine.
For better or worse, and when you marry a guy with kids, you marry them too. And for a long time, I didn't understand that. But the girls are mine too - and I chose it, maybe not with a lot of forethought, maybe not really understanding what I was doing - but I chose them as much as I chose Marc. And they are mine. Maybe not with the same intensity and strength as Jess and Sam, but enough. I mother them too - when they are with me, they are my kids.
Eventually, Lisa caved, and started letting us see them, but it was sporadic, and we certainly couldn't be trusted to watch them on our own. Then we moved out of Marc's parent's house, and started taking them most Saturdays. Somehow it's grown so that we now have them all day, both days, every weekend. They've even started sleeping over, and I expect that'll continue and probably pick up in frequency.
And I've had a hard time adjusting. I think so, anyway. I have higher expectations of myself - I feel like it's a role that's a constant challenge to me, and that I'm nowhere near as good at it as I should be. Being a stepmother isn't something you can really prepare yourself for - despite all my efforts, reading books about it doesn't help, being an actual parent doesn't really help either, because you're not a parent to them. At least in this situation - I always feel so aware of the fact that I'm not their mother. I don't know their teachers, their friends, their doctor's. But I know what they like, what they don't like, their best and worst qualities, I know that Sarah won't eat sauce and Lilli will eat junk food until she throws up. I know that Sarah is less affectionate with Marc, but more cuddly with Sam, Lilli is the exact opposite.
Once I accepted the fact that they are a consistent presense - that the expectation is that we WILL have them, of course, all weekend, both days, all day - it's got a little easier. Before, I kept being surprised that we had them. Kept getting confused by Marc's insistence that they be here, because for such a long time, we didn't have them, or could only have them under controlled circumstances. I didn't switch gears quickly enough, and sometimes I resented all the togetherness.
When you have a child, it's instant, immediate. You just fall in love when you first hold that baby - and it just grows from there. When you have a stepchild, it's a whole different ball game. You're dealing with someone else's child, someone else's rules and odd little hang-ups. When they start whining and yelling and fighting, you don't have that instinctive love and understanding under it to cushion it. And it's hard - sometimes, it's so hard. To be fair, to be loving, to be the kind of stepmother I want to be, the kind I'd want my own children to have. And I still struggle with it.
But it is getting better. It really is. We've been together for six years, and for the girls, they've never known any different. I think it's easier for them than for me - they've got that bond with Jess and Sam and just sort of accept me as part of the package. We've started to get identified as a family, at the Chabad, at the YMCA, when we're out to dinner, etc. I've started saying just a blanket 'yes' when I'm asked if all four are mine - because they ARE. I may not have been there from the beginning, I may not know if they're up to date on their vaccines or when their next dentist appt is, but they are mine.
For better or worse, and when you marry a guy with kids, you marry them too. And for a long time, I didn't understand that. But the girls are mine too - and I chose it, maybe not with a lot of forethought, maybe not really understanding what I was doing - but I chose them as much as I chose Marc. And they are mine. Maybe not with the same intensity and strength as Jess and Sam, but enough. I mother them too - when they are with me, they are my kids.
Friday, March 7, 2008
And while we're at it - the difference between a girl child and a boy child
My son, my precious little love, was over in the corner making happy noises. I glanced over at him and he looked up. His face was red, his eyes were glassy, and he had the biggest smile. I asked him if he had been pooping, and he was delighted with himself. Nodded happily and went back to his business. He's got a bizzare fascination with bodily functions - adores passing gas, burping, peeing, pooping - and it's just as exciting for him if Daddy is the one doing it. Not pooping, I think that'd be a little sick, but he toddles in the bathroom and watches the peeing. Like it's a sporting event, he ooohs and aaaaahs with appreciation. Mind boggling.
Not something my girl child would EVER have done.
Not something my girl child would EVER have done.
The difference between a mom and a dad
Or maybe it's just the difference between Marc and I. Knowing that I have get the kids out the door early this morning and Jess has to go to preschool all day, I got up bright and early, got both kids dressed, fed, lunch packed for the girl, laundry folded, library bag packed, etc. I had begged and pleaded for Marc to take an active role in getting ready to go this morning, but found that he was still strangely incapable of figuring out what needed to be done and executing the tasks. He does follow directions well, provided I repeat them several times and break them down into easy steps. Example, both kids needed medicine this morning. Although I had mentioned this repeatedly to him, nothing was done until I started with 1)wash out med dispensers, 2) get two small cups of milk 3) fill one dispenser with Jessie's stuff and she'll take it herself, just watch her and praise her afterwards 4) fill the other one with Sammy's and give it to him slowly, talking him thru it. He did also get me a cup of coffee.
Speaking of coffee - how do non-coffee drinking moms survive? Sam didn't sleep at all last night. Not for any length of time. I'm wondering if I should embark on a project to get him to sleep all night in his own bed - the dreaded night weaning. It's getting ugly, I haven't slept thru the night in almost two years. And I miss it. But I'm probably going to wait until it's warmer. It's just too cold at night for me to be jumping from bed to bed. But I dream of the day when I can tuck my children into bed, say goodnight and not hear from them again until the next morning.
Speaking of coffee - how do non-coffee drinking moms survive? Sam didn't sleep at all last night. Not for any length of time. I'm wondering if I should embark on a project to get him to sleep all night in his own bed - the dreaded night weaning. It's getting ugly, I haven't slept thru the night in almost two years. And I miss it. But I'm probably going to wait until it's warmer. It's just too cold at night for me to be jumping from bed to bed. But I dream of the day when I can tuck my children into bed, say goodnight and not hear from them again until the next morning.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Stay at home mom bliss
I really am having just the nicest day here. Harrison is home sick again, so it's just me, Jessica and Sam and it's lovely. Sam was really overtired and threw a major tantrum prior to his nap, one of his best ever, screaming and crying, hyperventilating because he can't breathe - and then finally drifting off to sleep. Jess and I made cookies together - such a mommy thing to do - and I'm feeling very domestic and maternal today.
Took the plunge and made an appt to begin the application process for the New Jewish Academy for my girl. I'm still not certain if it's a good idea, but I'm even less certain that going to public school in Worcester is a good idea. If I could guarantee that she'd be attending one of the best schools and not one of the crappy ones down the street, I'd feel better - but there's no guarantee, and no recourse. If we don't get picked in the lottery, and aren't successful in the hearing at Flagg Street, then we're out of luck.
So we'll see - it depends almost entirely on what kind of financial aid we'd get. I hate that the quality of her education is dependent on how much other people think we're poor, but it does.
Took the plunge and made an appt to begin the application process for the New Jewish Academy for my girl. I'm still not certain if it's a good idea, but I'm even less certain that going to public school in Worcester is a good idea. If I could guarantee that she'd be attending one of the best schools and not one of the crappy ones down the street, I'd feel better - but there's no guarantee, and no recourse. If we don't get picked in the lottery, and aren't successful in the hearing at Flagg Street, then we're out of luck.
So we'll see - it depends almost entirely on what kind of financial aid we'd get. I hate that the quality of her education is dependent on how much other people think we're poor, but it does.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Ahh - the glory of a Sunday
Had my stepdaughters all weekend, and it went exceedingly well. This was our first weekend with them, where we picked them up Friday night and kept them until Sunday afternoon. Just like your normal stepfamily. And the one thing I'm certain of is that if we continue to get them overnight, we definitely need to find a bigger apartment - one with enough beds for everyone.
Jess is actually still asleep, I can't ever remember her sleeping this late before, but she's been up so late the past couple of days, I'm thrilled that she's catching up now. And Ben and Carolyn (kids that belong to friends of Marc's) are in Jessie's room - Carolyn is playing with figurines and Ben is playing with some sort of electronic thing he brought with him. Lilli, Sarah, Glennys and Sam are all in the living room with bagels and Peep on the television.
Jess is actually still asleep, I can't ever remember her sleeping this late before, but she's been up so late the past couple of days, I'm thrilled that she's catching up now. And Ben and Carolyn (kids that belong to friends of Marc's) are in Jessie's room - Carolyn is playing with figurines and Ben is playing with some sort of electronic thing he brought with him. Lilli, Sarah, Glennys and Sam are all in the living room with bagels and Peep on the television.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Snowy Saturday
Took both of my cherubs to the doctor's yesterday - and felt vindicated. Jess has an infected tear duct and is on augmentin and hydrocortisone cream. Sam is on a nebulizer and if his cough doesn't get better, I can call on Monday to get an rx for it. I started Jessie on the medicine yesterday afternoon and her eye already looks better. Sam was up most of the night coughing but his nose isn't running, so he's on the mend as well, I'm assuming ;-).
Took all four children to the hockey game last night - Marc's company did their winter outing. And it went really well, they were all relatively well behaved - and Sam was FASCINATED by the mascot, a big shark. Every time he saw it, he screamed with joy. Jessie cowered behind my chair when he was in the party room with us, and when he ventured too close, she started sobbing in terror. Marc says she gets that from me :-).
Snowy Saturday today - which is lovely. Would be more lovely if we had a lot of food in the house, which we don't - but we have enough to eat so we won't starve before we get to the store. Jessie's dance class was cancelled, which brings her up to three weeks that she's missed. At least three, because I think she may have missed the week before vacation.
Took all four children to the hockey game last night - Marc's company did their winter outing. And it went really well, they were all relatively well behaved - and Sam was FASCINATED by the mascot, a big shark. Every time he saw it, he screamed with joy. Jessie cowered behind my chair when he was in the party room with us, and when he ventured too close, she started sobbing in terror. Marc says she gets that from me :-).
Snowy Saturday today - which is lovely. Would be more lovely if we had a lot of food in the house, which we don't - but we have enough to eat so we won't starve before we get to the store. Jessie's dance class was cancelled, which brings her up to three weeks that she's missed. At least three, because I think she may have missed the week before vacation.
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