Happy Valentines Day!

Six years ago today was the first day of the rest of my life. I had gotten the e-mail on a Tuesday night, and it was smart and engaging and funny. So I agreed to dinner on Thursday. Valentine's Day. Having been thru a number of blind internet dates, I knew to keep my expectations low, and told my friends that I'd meet them for drinks afterwards. Only once I got to the restaurant, I just didn't want to not be with him. Ever. We had dinner, then went back to his house. And he kissed me for the first time between the kitchen and the living room, mid-way thru my tour. And when I finally went home, it was like everything had changed. It was magical and wonderful and so sweet and I loved every minute of it. Falling in love was like nothing I'd ever imagined. We could talk for hours, not only was I incredibly attracted to him, but I loved being with him.

Then I realized that I was four days late. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I still remember the shock, the joy, the terror - and I admit it, the sadness that this magical relationship was going to get really complicated really fast. I was so scared to tell him, so scared to ruin this perfect little place that we were at, in terms of a relationship. I called and asked him to come to me, figuring that I'd need to be on home turf for this conversation. My friends/roommate were supportive and left me alone at home that night. And when he came in, I wanted to cry. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and blurted out "I'm pregnant." He didn't skip a beat, just said "thank God, I thought it was something awful." He told me he loved me, that we'd make it work, we were having a baby!

I knew he couldn't really love me, knew he was just barely divorced, had only known me for a few weeks. Knew he had to be mostly crazy, but that was okay. I was having a baby, and for a while that was all that mattered. We charged on ahead, I took prenatals and drank lots of water. When I started spotting, it was at Passover. I was meeting his parents for the first time, and can still remember how awful it was to see the blood. The bleeding got heavier and we went in for an ultrasound. The doctors told us that we had lost one twin, but there was still one left, to go home, be careful and pray. When he held me in the exam room, I realized for the first time that we had done this together. It was the first time that I really felt as though this was ours. And when I lost the second twin, I lost a big part of myself. Suddenly, the whole world was darker and more dangerous, and the only place I felt safe, the only place where I felt whole was with him. When he told me that we'd try again, we'd get thru it and we'd be better than okay, we'd be great - I clung to it, and to him, as though it were a liferaft.

I don't know if I would have survived that, the loss of my first pregnancy, without him. When everything was at it's worst, the fact that he was at my side, never wavering, never hesitating, just so completely there made everything okay. Not great, at first, but managable. And when I got pregnant again, even though everyone said we were crazy, I knew that we were doing exactly what we needed to do. Jessica's pregnancy was rough at first, I was still grieving so much, and still learning how to be in a relationship, how to trust, how to really rely on him. But when I held that beautiful girl and saw her daddy cradle her in her arms, I fell in love all over again.

It's been six years, and I still don't know how I got so lucky. There's so much that I'm so grateful for, he's simply the smartest, kindest man I've ever met. He's an amazing father, not just to my Jessie but my little Sammy - who worships at the alter of Daddy in a way that I don't think his daughters did. He's my first call, no matter what, the person I most want to be with, the one I trust with everything. I never imagined being this intimate with anyone, not just physically, but emotionally. I know him completely, I know he's always scrupulously honest with me. I know that he loves me more than I ever thought possible. And I know that I'm so completely, madly, unendingly in love with him. He's made all my dreams come true.

Happy Anniversary Marc - I love you so much more than I can ever express, and am forever grateful to a world that created you. My life is everything I always wanted it to be, and you made it that way. I can only hope to give you as much joy, satifaction and utter contentment as you've brought to me.

You can't flush a marshmellow

And other lessons learned from being at home... That should be the title of a book I write after the kids are grown up. Yesterday, I made my girl some hot cocoa and put in a strawberry marshmellow (or mallow?? neither looks right). She, as per usual, didn't finish it, and rather than dump it in the sink, where I anticipated that we'd have trouble getting it down the drain, I poured it into the toilet. A while later, Jessie came out of the bathroom all upset - said she couldn't get the pink marshmellow to go away, she kept flushing and flushing but it kept popping back up to the top of the water ;-). It did eventually go down, but it bobbed in my potty for most of the afternoon.

Kind of a quiet boring day today. It's so cold and yucky outside, and I'm still kind of groggy from the past couple of nights with Jess. Now that Sam's sleeping thru the night, Jessie has decided to start getting up again. Are they conspiring against me? Her new nighttime ritual is to wake up around 1:00 or 2:00, come to bed with me, which is fine, I'm a good mom, I love my children... but then she wiggles and moans and twists for an hour or so until finally I tell her that she can either lay still and go to sleep or she has to get out. At which point, she gets up crying, and storms out into the living room or bedroom and cries because "Mommy frew me out of bed for NO REASON." Eventually Marc gets up (because I flat out refuse to go pacify her) and he yells at her to go to bed. Then she's crawl back into my bed, chastened and still with that hitching breath, trying to choke back the tears, and snuggle into my back, because at this point, she's woken up Sam and I'm laying on my side, nursing him back to sleep, and we'll all eventually go back to sleep. It takes a LONG time, and I'm exhausted.

Sam's asleep on the bed, and Harrison and Jessie are watching Hi-5. Again. I have the show memorized. And am not happy about it...

Happy Birthday Jessica Mary

Five years ago today, I had my gorgeous girl. And I can still remember every moment of it, from the first contraction, to the puking, to the absolute relief of the epidural (finally), then the dilation stalling out, and the nurse explaining that they had to do an emergency c-section. Begging the doctors to please let my mom come into the room with me, the tears - I was so scared! Not just of the surgery (although that terrified me) but of the fact, that all of a sudden, there was no way out and I was going to be mother. Moving into the operating room, the isolation of it, Marc and Mom weren't allowed in there at first, and I was so scared, then finally hearing her first cry and my mother chanting "oh Melissa, she's so beautiful, she's just so beautiful." Then when my blood pressure dropped out, when I couldn't stop shaking and I was so upset that I couldn't hold her, and I tried so hard to get control and stop shaking so I could have my baby... and then finally just resigning myself to not being able to hold her and feeling myself fade out - and then when Marc brought her over to me, and held her tiny face so that I could look into her beautiful huge eyes - and when I saw her, it was like my entire world boiled down to just that moment, and everything changed. I've never before felt anything that intense, that overwhelming, that immediate. Suddenly, Jessica was in the world, she was my world and it was the best and most beautiful thing that had ever happened to anyone.

She's so beautiful and so smart and sweet and loving. She's the very best of me and Marc, she's got his sense of humor and his mind-boggling intelligence, my sense of drama and emotion - she's all about overwhelming joy and utter sadness - when she's happy, the whole world shines on her, and when she's down, she loves to throw herself fully into it. She's everything I've ever wanted in a little girl, in a daughter, and the idea of having her in my life for the rest of it makes it so incredibly interesting to me. I don't want to miss a single second - watching her grow and learn and become the completely whole person that she is has brought me such enormous joy.

I'm a different mother to her than I am to Sam. I love both my kids so much, and I'm paranoid that someone will read this and think I love Jess more than Sam - so let me state, officially and for the record, that I love my boy just as much as my girl. But Jess is my first, and she's the one that made me a mother. And with her, everything is new and I'm feeling my way thru. With Sam, I know that a temper tantrum doesn't mean that he needs to go to the doctor (which I did on more than once occasion with my girl - if she was screaming that loudly, she must be in pain, right?). Now suddenly, she's five years old and she's going to kidnergarten this year and I still can't quite catch up with her. She's still my tiny baby girl, who laid her little head down on my shoulder, who shhhh'd from the beginning when I told her to. She's the one I tuck into bed, and the one I send off to preschool in the morning. She's my success story, my shining star, my first baby love. She's the culmination of what Marc and I built - when everyone thought we were out of our minds, we made her. Her Hebrew name means "beautiful celebration" and it's always seemed to me be to the perfect name for her - she is such a gift, and such a perfect way to celebrate Marc and I together.

so relaxed...

Marc has been home for the past two days. And it's been so nice, having another adult here to bounce things off with, to help with the kids. Jess hasn't whined in almost forty eight hours. It's awesome. She's really thriving on the extra attention from Daddy, and also from me, with Marc here to assist with the boy, I've got more time for her. We're going to the mall tonight for her birthday dinner, and so that I can sneak over to Disney and get her gift. We're having her family birthday party on Sunday, and a big slumber party a week from Saturday.

Mondays...

Went over to Annie and John's to watch the big game last night. And it was wonderful - I mean, the Patriots lost, which was sad and depressing, but the night as a whole was great. Marc had been out with the guys in the afternoon, and I walked the kids down to the library. Marc met me down there, we headed to Annie's house, had a lovely dinner, Becky and Greg came over. The kids were fabulous, Sam is really getting so much more social and fun and the girls played well together. Around eight o'clock, Sammy nursed to sleep, Jessie crawled into Becky's lap and they both were out almost immediately.

This morning was wretched - Glennys is home sick, and over here, which is totally fine, I love Glenny, but unfortunately, so does Jessie. Jess cried for about a half hour, screaming and sobbing because I was forcing her to go to school. Claiming her belly hurts, her throat hurts, etc. I knew she was fine, she was more than happy to get dressed and have breakfast, her hair was done, etc. So I made her go to school - it's one of those not negotiable things for me. If I say you're going, you're going. And of course, the whole time Jessie is sobbing her heart out, poor Sam is screaming - because he knows that while I'm going to ship Jess out, I'm not going to allow him to go.

No Mommy Sleep In Days. Ever.

I lobbied hard for a morning where Marc got up with the kids and took them out. And it would have worked - except that I woke up with them and Marc didn't. I had been pushing for him to get up with the kids and whip them out of the house before I got out of bed, because even if he gets up with them, if they know I'm in the bedroom, that's where they'll be. So I bitched and pressured and whined to get him to agree and then when it was crunch time, and I was faced with either yelling at Marc until he got up, or just hauling myself up and letting him sleep - I got up. Did the dishes (and there was a million of them), made the coffee, brushed teeth... Maybe next weekend I'll get to sleep in?

Marc did take the cherubs down to Price Chopper to get donuts this morning. So, in theory, I could crawl back into bed and lounge for a half hour. But at this point, I might as well keep going - Lilli and Sarah will be here before too long, and then Marc is going down to play D&D with the guys for a few hours before we skip out to the library and over to Annie's for the Superbowl. We tried to keep Glennys over night last night, but the poor girl just wasn't feeling well. And I knew she wanted to be home, and if it was my girl, I'd want her home. So I knew that Annie would want her home too - so I shipped her out around 10:00.

Sammy kissed the vacuum cleaner

It's his favorite thing in the entire world. We finally had to work out a compromise, I let him vacuum first, then I get a really quick turn (when I try to get the whole rug done) and then I let him finish up. Last night, Jessie was a little clingy, and wanted me to cuddle her to sleep. So I convinced Marc to go pretend to take apart the vacuum, because Sam's favorite activity is putting stuff back together with Daddy. So he and Sam were occupied out in the living room and I sang my favorite girl to sleep. She's so wonderful - so loving and funny and sweet.

After I got her to sleep, I came back out into the living room and hung out with my guys. Eventually Sam got tired enough to crawl up on my lap and nurse to sleep, and I told him to go kiss Daddy goodnight. So he toddled over, kissed Daddy and gave him a hug. Then he walked over to the vacuum and looked at me, like he was asking permission. So I said to go ahead, and he reached down, kissed the top of it, and then wrapped his arms around it for a good night hug :-).